Young Curmudgeon

yammer

2009-08-11T11:37:00.000-05:00

if certain clients would be a little more concise, our scheduled 30-minute meeting could actually take 30 minutes and not an hour and 45 minutes!

what to watch...

2009-08-10T20:15:00.001-05:00

veronica mars or nowhere?

decisions.

more soon. just having problems compiling coherent thoughts lately.

longest. meeting. ever.

2009-08-10T14:46:00.001-05:00

yes, i went out to my cube, grabbed my laptop, then came back to the meeting i was in, just so i could blog about how fucking long this meeting is fucking. going.

/hate

blerg

2009-08-06T22:23:00.002-05:00

been too much going on right now.

this may be a little emo, so pass on, gentle readers.

i feel like my life has been falling apart.

work, well, it's been overwhelming to say the least. work keeps on coming in, and we keep not hiring people. and i keep finding myself feeling, well, like i'm a newspaper copy editor again, and not in a good way.

(because in the ad world, project management, interactive design/production, interactive design/production, proofreading, editing, and writing are all different positions and not lumped into one [like a newspaper copy editor, although lately], i've been doing everything mentioned. and i do it not because i'm a martyr, i do it because i want work to be fucking done, but it never seems like it is.)

anyway. it's been a little much. and especially this week, when this stupid bitch i work with went to hr (whom i've been working very closely with these past few months) to say that basically she wants to be doing what i should be doing but i don't have time for (i.e., long term project planning/concepting). which pissed me off, because i've been trying to do that, but not had the time for it, but because she's "bored" and wants to do it, well, she did come out of a golden vagina.

then there's my personal life. which is pretty null/invalid right now.

i have no social life. and for the past couple of months, it's felt like i've been going through two breakups. the first being that my very closest friend at the moment had to move out of austin. which really devastated me. she was my closest confidante. if i had a bad day at work, i could almost always count on her to go out and drink with me and let me vent. and we had our usual routine, which went to shit of late. and i hate change.

but it's left me in a bad situation. because i depended so much on her. she was my rock. now, i have no rock. sure, we can talk on the phone and e-mail, but it's not the same. and i'm all torn up inside. it's like i've been amputated. i don't know what to do.

then there's my other "breakup". i just don't know what to do. i just. we keep trying to be friends. but it's not working. we're never going to be what we want the other to be. i love this guy. i truly do. but he doesn't respect these feelings. he'll say shit like "we could be great if you'd get over this silly stuff." or something to that effect.

but i can't. i feel how i feel, and the fact that he seemingly does not respect these feelings hurts.

which is sad, because i feel like we could have something golden. but we get so distracted with everything else, that it falls through. we'll never be what we could be. which is a shame. or not. i just don't know how to deal with him anymore. it's too much. i'm tired of fighting. and we fight over the stupidest things.

but we keep fighting. and we keep coming back to each other. i just don't know if i can do it anymore. i just really can't and stay sane. not that i'm all that sane to begin with. but he and i, i just don't fucking know. i'm so tired of fighting, but when we're not fighting, it's like he's in this world of denial about he and i. i just. i think i need to be done. which is hard, since we work together.

i really have no idea where i am. i'm not happy. at any point. i just have no idea where to go from here. to anywhere. i feel so completely lost. like i'm in some dense fog, and the only refuge is some dark, dingy motel, but that motel will only bring bad to my life.

i have no idea where i am. and i have no one talk to about it.

and i'm scared.

sleeve

2009-06-16T21:46:00.002-05:00

ok, think i found the font for the quotation mark tattoo i want. yay!

now, let's go into said tattoo.

i think i've explained this to maybe one person, but i wanted to put out there why i want the sleeve that i want, starting with the quotation mark tattoo.

it started off as ripping off some guy i follow on flickr who's a designer and was in grad school and had to make his own font, and has gradually been adding on to his arm with characters in different fonts and colors.

that was the start. i thought it was a great idea. but then i had to spin it and make it my own.

as many of you know, i have a sordid, mixed past where i've worked as a designer, writer, editor, manager; you name it, i've probably done it. but a big driving force in my life has been to be a writer, in some shape or form. the whole reason of quitting my perfectly fine, stressful editorial job back in '01 was to go back to school and work on being a writer.

which didn't turn out all so well.

but anyway. when i was a designer, i was a huge font geek. i was way into typography, and was always trying to find just the right font to fit in with the right layout, and if i found a font that was close, i'd drop it into illustrator and tweak it until it was just what i wanted. in my head, the right font with the right layout helped convey the story better.

and that's where it ties back into the writer part.

when i think back on it, i've wanted to be a writer my whole life. as a child, i'd write stories weaving me into whatever cartoon i liked at the time. i'd write myself into most anything i read, because i loved everything i read, and i wanted to be a part of it. as i grew older, i found an outlet in journalism. not only could i have an opinion, but people could read it! or i could inform them about the major news of the day! and even later in adulthood, after quitting a job that stilted me creatively, i found myself working a delivery job, and being inspired. all around me were stories just waiting to be told. and it was sort of a renaissance period for me. then i went back to advertising/marketing, and thought i wanted to write for that. but not so much. or maybe it's because i ended up stuck with all the monotonous, uncreative assignments. which drained me a bit more.

anyway. what i'm trying to get to is, the sleeve that i want, what i ultimately want to get, i want it to be a work over time. i don't want to get it all at once, because that's not how stories are written. i want to work on it over time. i want to select the fonts, and decide which character would look best in that font. and in which color. and then add on. i want my sleeve to tell a story. i want to be able to, when asked, explain to people why i selected each font and each character and each color. i want each character to be a chapter, where they all build on each other until, bam, you have a complete story.

basically, i want to wear a novel on my left arm. my novel. and maybe in the end, it would make a hell of a dust jacket.

Summer CHANGE ORDER*

2009-06-16T21:42:00.002-05:00

Due 8/25.

1) Find a new place to live. (NOTE: This is due ASAP or by 7/31.)

2) Hang out with friends that I've been neglecting.

3) Lose weight. (I need to lose at least 15 pounds for a good portion of my clothes to fit again.)

4) Buy a bike and learn how to ride it.

5) Write at least two short stories.

*change order is what the agency i work at calls the changes that need to be made once a job has been sent to a client. i know at least one other agency calls the same a job change, and i'm sure there are other names of the same thing out there. but that's the explanation for those wondering what the fuck a change order is.

i'm a powder keg waiting for a spark

2009-06-08T21:14:00.002-05:00

what kind of fireworks that will produce (yelling, tears, general violence, all of the above and more), who knows.

/warned

my saturday

2009-05-30T21:52:00.003-05:00

saw drag me to hell. awesomeness. must see at least two more times in the theater.

went to mozart's, had a mocha and sat by the lake and read a chapter of the informers.

went to nasty's, had three whiskey sodas, and read two chapters of the informers. reading at a bar is awesome.

now i'm home and about to watch the notorious bettie page to complete my lili taylor movie week. i'll post about that later.

/end

i danced in my underwear in public, and i liked it

2009-05-25T13:50:00.002-05:00

matt's birthday party yesterday/last night. much drinking was had. beer, very strong margarita, two bottles of white wine (split betwixt brandy and myself), more beer. drinking started at 2:30-ish, and i cut myself off at around 10. came home close to 1 a.m. said dancing in underwear occurred around 11 and involved myself, my lovely hostess, and two other male friends.

fast forward to this morning. apparently i called and texted a certain someone. a lot. and i feel like a total jerkface about it. and i'm still trying to figure out why brandy wrote my name on my left arm.

overall, fun night. now i face today with an awesome hangover, much laundry to do, and the impending apologetic phone call i have to make to said person i was an annoyance to last night.

/sigh

freakout

2009-05-09T13:48:00.005-05:00

11 people got laid off at work yesterday. we lost a major account, of which work was already dwindling. that fact plus the fact that they kept on not wanting to sign a contract for Q2 (even though we're already in the middle of Q2) should've been another indicator.

my major qualm is, well, they laid off an entire department. the project management department. which i worked closely with. which i was originally a member of when i went full-time at work. which i'm really good friends with both of the now former project managers. they are my friends. they are my confidantes. they were the people that kept me sane and grounded at work.

now ...

this all happened before 10 a.m. on friday. after i walked my friends to their cars, i went in to talk to my boss, who informed me he is resigning at the end of the month. he told me that the big boss was planning on having account services project manage their own jobs. i highly disagreed with that. because when i first went back to work there, well, there was no project management, and account services was project managing their own jobs, and it was fucking chaos. it didn't work. people were fighting over resources, people were staying at work every day until around 8 or 9 p.m.

so i volunteered to be the project manager. if work is really slowing down as much as it is, i can again be the project manager and proofer.

when i talked to h.r. about this, as well as my boss, they were concerned, because, well, i was overwhelmed the last time i had this dual role. and because they both know i want to move to copywriting. but you know what? that's a dream. there's no way in hell i'll ever be allowed to advance to being a copywriter with my current boss resigning. he was a big supporter of me being a writer. my "boss", who is the copywriter, only ever really gave me the more technical stuff. never gave me any actual creative things to do. so i was already pretty unhappy in my position, and as being a member of the creative department in general when i didn't do anything, well, creative.

but now i have to get back in the loop of project management. even though i moved back to creative, i was still peripherally aware of everything project management, often helping them out or covering for them when one of them was out. but the one thing i wasn't so in the loop on was this new project management system we implemented and have been using for months. yes, i knew the basics of it, but i had only opened a couple of jobs in it, and there are still so many things i don't know how to do in it that i now have to learn rather fast. i mean, it's a pretty simple software to use, but i'm still fairly new to the stuff i am going to have to do in it.

luckily (or not), one of the interactive guys that helped project management get this new software and train them on it (because he had it as his old job) has volunteered to also help me out with project management. where that worries me, though, is that two of the layoffs were interactives, which put us down to three. with this one helping me out, it technically puts us to 2.5. but with the senior interactive often in meetings and doing research and such, that technically puts us down to 1.5. so yeah, i'm a little worried. because also, the two we laid off were our leads on one account. the three left don't know that account all that well, which means they're going to need more time to do work.

to say it's a challenge is an understatement.

i think i handled myself the best i could on friday. although i did break down when i had to go talk to an AE, which started as a hug and quickly turned into a group hug with five AEs. but you know what? it actually helped. we were all feeling the same way. and we're all facing some of the same upcoming challenges.

i do see several challenges i don't know i'm ready for. one is, before they were laid off, project management was getting ready to also start project managing the analytics team. i wasn't in any of those meetings, so now i have to get up to speed on that, or push back and say we (meaning me) can't handle it right now. also, we laid off the data guy that was doing all the e-mail blasts. so now i know that's going to end up getting pushed on interactive and project management because historically at the company, we were the ones that have done it in the past. this means i have to get up to date on all our e-mail service providers, which i've been avoiding for, well, a year. there's also the personal challenge of having to work closely with the senior interactive, since he is the non-relationshiper i've mentioned in previous posts. we have been friendly at work of late, but we had the barrier of project management betwixt us. now we have to learn how to work closely on a day-to-day basis without my feelings and his lack of getting in the way.

ok, need to stop this before i give myself a panic attack. (i had two yesterday at work! between crying jags and meetings.)

i see much drinking in my future. and lack of eating. or maybe i won't drink or eat. this might be the best diet ever.

/freakoutfornow

you know...

2009-04-29T20:35:00.001-05:00

for an issue with her on the cover, uncanny x-men 509 only had psylocke in it for, oh, five panels. but at least it gave the world this line:
"congratulations on freeing the coffee machine from the tyranny of daylight savings time."

as alf would say, ha!

i want...

2009-04-26T21:18:00.002-05:00

to make shirts out of lone star bottle-cap rebuses (rebi?). someone help me make this a reality.

hit me on the head, why don't you, universe

2009-04-26T17:51:00.003-05:00

not one to normally believe in the universe trying to give me a hint, but it's certainly seemed that way these past few weeks. this week's and last week's episodes of being erica (don't judge me) dealt with unrequited love both ways (last week's dealing with a girl that was into erica, and this week on erica avoiding her neighbor/old friend because she has feelings for him, and it's not reciprocated). then the latest story arc at one of my favorite webcomics, Shortpacked!, is dealing with more unrequited feelings where one is gay and the other straight (start here). it's even showing up in reruns of shows!

i get it, universe. now stop, or i'm sending eris after you. i mean it.

the talk

2009-04-26T14:49:00.001-05:00

among the dreams i had last night, one such was of my mother and i shopping at the hancock center h-e-b. what were we shopping for? shaving cream.

i found this hilarious. mostly because i never had any sort of puberty talk with my parents. (shocker, i know.) the first time anything remotely resembling "the talk" happened was when we were going to cover, well, puberty, in my eighth-grade health class. we had to get a permission slip signed by our parents, and for a couple of days, the girls would go to the female health teacher's class, and the boy's from her class would join ours. i remember taking the permission slip home and giving it to my mom to sign. she got a horrified look on her face, like i had just handed her a dead rat with maggots crawling all over it. she threw it on the kitchen table and said i had to get my dad to sign it. so a few hours later when i dad got home from work, i told him to sign it. he didn't even read it; he just blindly signed it.

maybe it's the repressed culture of a mexican catholic family, or maybe it was just my family in general, but there were never many talks that involved sexuality or sex in general. i remember when i was about seven or eight and i found my gay uncle's "art". i was in the tv room at his house watching g.i. joe, and then i decided to snoop around. i found a photo album of my uncle's, and there were, well, lots of pictures of him with pretty men. never any pictures of him and any women. i didn't think anything of it. then i got to the later pages of the album, and found, well, artsy pictures of mostly naked men. (artsy pictures that i would later discover on my own in my teens years, thanks to the internet access at the local library.)

that wasn't the first thing that tipped me off about my uncle. when i was in first grade, i had this great teacher named miss solitaire. (yes, that was her actual name.) she was fun, and showed us willy wonka and the chocolate factory and the neverending story. and sometimes her roommate julie would come in and read stories to us. it was at the christmas pagent that year (i played an elf, and my uncle made my costume) that i found out my uncle and teacher were good friends. i was so excited. i remember telling my parents that i wanted my uncle and miss solitaire to get married, then she could be my aunt. my parents laughed at that and said her roommate might not like that. i remember saying she could live with them, too, and help take care of gramma. they laughed some more and gave me a beer to drink.

the next time i got close to any sort of "talk" with my parents was when i was in fourth grade and got into a fight with a boy in my class who called me a "joto". now, i had no idea what joto meant, but i know when he called me it, everyone around stepped back a bit. i got mad. i didn't know what joto was, but i knew i didn't want to be it if it meant everyone else didn't like me. i didn't even know what it meant? so me and this boy got into a fight (i broke his nose), and we were taken to the principal's office, where they called our parents. i got let off the hook because i was the smartest kid in my class and this was the first time i had been in any sort of trouble. but the way my parents reacted when they came out of the principal's office, you'd think i had pissed on the pope.

when we got home, my dad slapped me hard across the face, while my mother sat at the kitchen table crying. i had no idea what i had done. i was just trying to defend myself from a bully. i remember my dad yelling at me (not asking, yelling) "are you a joto?" i said no. he slapped me again. then he yelled at me again. i said no again. then he yelled "do you know what a joto is?" i said no. then he said "yeah, right." and walked away.

it wasn't until the next day at school that i asked my friend manuel what joto meant. i remember him looking at me dumbfoundedly. then he told me what it meant. i was in shock. this was the first time i had ever been told that sometimes men are with men like they are with women. i still didn't really comprehend what it meant, as i still didn't even really know what sex and sex roles were. i was in fourth grade, for jiminy crickets sake! how was i supposed to know all this?

back to eighth grade. a week after the puberty stuff was covered in health, i got my first facial hair. and it kept on coming out sporadically over my face for the next couple of weeks. (to this day, my facial hair is pretty sporadic, with it mostly coming in on my left side and still spotty on my right.) i had no idea what to do. i remember my sister telling me to shave because it looked like i had pubes stuck to my face. i remember every time i got close to asking my dad how to shave, he and my mom would start getting into a fight, or he'd yell at me and say it's my fault my mom wasn't home. (at the time, both of them were cheating on each other.) so seeing them as not an option, and with my older brother working night shift, i taught myself to shave. and by shave, i mean i put too much shaving cream on my face and cut myself 10 times. the next day, i remember my dad asking me "what the fuck happened to your face? did you get into another fight?" (note: i hadn't been in a fight since the one in fourth grade, at this point. yet it always came up for some reason.) i said "no, i shaved." he didn't say anything; he just walked away, grabbed a beer, and went out to the backyard and lit up a joint.

it wasn't until i was in ninth grade that i ended up having "the talk". it was with my first boyfriend's mother. he wasn't even my boyfriend at that point. he was just my friend danny, and i'd go to his house and we'd do homework, and listen to music, and sometimes we'd make out. i'd stay there late a lot because, well, his parents loved me, and i didn't want to go home. so one night, after dinner, danny's mom and i were having some coffee, and she asked me if danny and i had done anything more than kiss. i choked on my coffee a bit because, well, that was the most candid anyone had ever been with me about, well, anything sex related. i said no, and that i really wouldn't even know what to do if things ever got that far. so with the help of some handy fruit, she explained everything to me. (note: i forgot to mention, she was also a nurse, so i'm sure this was all old hat to her, anyway.) we ended the talk with her telling me i could always turn to her with any questions, and that i shouldn't feel pressured to do anything i'm not ready to do. when she dropped me off at my house that night, i think that was the first time i was ever jealous of other people because they had awesome parents.

to this day, my parents and i have not had any sort of "talk", and we probably never will. maybe it'll come up if i ever meet "the one" and decide to torture him by having him meet my parents and family. but i doubt it. considering to this day, no one in my family will acknowledge that my uncle is gay, well, there you go.

keeping track

2009-04-25T10:10:00.004-05:00

for the past six weeks, i've been going to alamo south for a matinee on saturdays. but for the life of me, the only movies i can recall seeing are watchmen, sunshine cleaning, and tokyo. i can't account for three movies, people! i need to start writing this the frak down.

today, however, for my seventh saturday, i plan on seeing the informers, which i'm sure will be very brett easton ellis-y.

on another note, i had a very rather lucid dream of kissing a certain someone. stupid lucid dreams, taunting me with what i cannot have. grr.

blah

2009-04-24T08:02:00.002-05:00

stupid dreams last night. (on a related note, i got five hours of sleep! record for the week, so far.)

in the first dream, well, it was a work dream. with actual work. (can i bill that?) pretty much it was me talking with interactive about interactive process, and it was really, really boring. if i wasn't already asleep, i would've been after that "meeting".

second dream, i was an x-man, and was trying to explain psylocke's history to a newbie. and while that was going on, other x-men kept interrupting me saying "wait, i thought she (insert convoluting plot point concerning psylocke here)?" and i'd say, "no, we later learned that (insert convoluting retcon concerning psylocke here)."

yeah.

90210

2009-04-23T22:16:00.001-05:00

did anyone watch this week? omg. we must talk.

i hate annie.

the most inspired thing i've written in a long time

2009-04-23T22:09:00.002-05:00

earlier this week, i was talking with my boss about how i'm just not all too creative anymore. and it's true. most of the time, i just don't have any creative juices in me. especially when i'm writing at work; i'm either too marketing or not marketing enough.

anyway. the following is something i wrote several weeks ago concerning a certain someone. i was a little inebriated when i wrote it, and a little drunk when i originally edited it. but it stands true nonetheless. and while i've spoken with the inspiration for this since i've written this, it still stands true. and it really makes me sound like a lovelorn 13-year-old fat girl.

i can't find the words to talk to you. i cut things off, and while it does hurt, i feel it's for the best. and the reasons why are multiple.

you didn't want any drama. and i respect that. and it's why i went the route i did. just a short, clean cut. but it seemed like you wanted some feedback.

so here i go. i just couldn't do it anymore. and i don't know when i can do it again. i can't even look at you. because when i do look at you, i see what i want to see. i feel your arm around me. i see your smile right before you kiss me on a sunny day outside of alamo south. i hear us talking about the boys or preacher or watchmen or some weird, cheesy horror movie we said we'd watch together but never did. i see and hear and feel all these things that never happened and never will, and realize that they never will, and i have to live with that.

and i don't know if, when i get over this, if i can ever look you in the eyes again. but i've only felt like this once before. and i never thought i'd feel this way again, and definitely not toward you. you are a refreshing essence, and definitely someone, something i never thought i'd experience again. it makes me happy, and saddens me at the same time. because, while i'm happy i can feel this happy again, it just figures that it would happen with someone with whom it would be impossible to live happily ever after.

so i'm sorry this went on as long as it did. i'm sorry we can't talk about this. but i guess you deserve to know. and i'm sorry if this knowledge saddens you, disgusts you, or insert-emotion-heres you. i wish things were somehow different, but life doesn't work like that. and i'm sorry i felt like i had to put this on craigslist in hopes you might stumble upon it rather than try and talk this out in person while holding back any tears and emotions that may come out. i'm a coward like that.

done

2009-04-10T20:38:00.000-05:00

just deleted my myspace profile. it feels oddly liberating.

over it

2009-04-06T21:36:00.003-05:00

headline covers many topics. let's begin.

1) myspace. seriously. my profile will be deleted by end of week.

2) facebook, and fearing it. friends i haven't spoken to in forever are on there, and seem to only be on there. so i'll finally make use of the profile i started there a while back when crystal (or ryan, i forget) sent me an invite to join. and i will be on facebook. grudgingly. unless i'm drunk; then it will be drunkenly and more bearable.

3) twitter. i'll still never twitter. if only because of the verb "tweet". yeah.

4) my non-relationship. straight guy i mentioned many, many posts ago that i liked? well, long story short ... um, not really a good way to cliff notes it. anyway. stopped liking him. or so i thought. feelings came back. hard. then last month or so, we've been weird when we're alone. fine at work. but when it's just he and i ... it's like we're a divorced couple trying to make small talk amidst all the awkward non-flirting. and fact of the matter is, we've been trying to be friends. but maybe trying too hard to where we're not even trying. then he did some things that really pissed me off, and, well, done trying to be friends. i'm done. because you know what? i don't want to be friends with him. i want something more, and that's not ever going to happen. so i need to suck it up, cut my losses, and live with just being co-workers. and yeah, it's hard, because i still have the impulse to want to talk to him all the time. but that's unhealthy, and i'm already unhealthy enough in enough other places of my life. i just can't do it any more and be sane. not that i'm sane.

5) i don't have a number five. but i like odd numbers.

more dreams where i get physically hurt

2009-04-01T08:04:00.002-05:00

i can't remember the first one. but again, lucid dreams in three, and this involve cats.

second dream, i'm walking around my neighborhood (or what was playing "my neighborhood" in the dream) in the snow. i see what looks like a lot of dead cats just lying in snow. but they're just sleeping in it. comfortably. then i see one of my cats (in this dream, i have three cats, two of which are home) lying in someone's yard in a bank of snow, with icicles actually hanging from one of his feet. i go and pick him up. then i hear him slowly waking up (oh yeah, in these dreams, i also have a telepathic rapport with my cats) and asking where we're going. i say we're going home. but the closer and closer we walk back to my house, the more my cat wakes up and starts freaking out. he starts extending his claws and digging them into my arms and is now screaming and freaking out. we walk into my house, and he jumps out o fmy arms, screaming. i look at my arms, and his claws are still in my arms, and blood is trickling out. then i see my cat looking at me in the dark, then pounces at me, screaming, and proceeds to climb up me, until he gets to my face and starts slashing away. then i wake up.

yeah, when i woke up from this arm, i went to my bathroom to check my arms, because they fucking hurt.

third dream, i'm staying in a hotel and have two cats with me. they look at me and say they have to go to the bathroom. i tell them, ok, let's go outside then. they look at me and say "you didn't get a hotel room with a cat bathroom?" i say no. they sigh and say they really have to use the bathroom. so i carry them into the elevator, which freaks them out. in the elevator, one of them decides to bit down and break skin on my right hand, while the other is clinging to dear life on my left arm. when the elevator opens up to the ground floor, it opens up into a denny's. the cats freak out even more and claw and bite more into my arms and hands because the patrons all start yelling at me for bringing cats into a restaurant. i say i didn't know, and have trouble finding the door. i finally get outside, and i have the pry the cats off my arms, leaving deep, long cuts going down my arms gushing with blood. then i wake up.

yeah. again, analyze away.

last night, i dreamt i was murdered

2009-03-31T20:31:00.002-05:00

i've been having a lot of lucid dreams of late. some i'd rather not share, but these i will.

last night, i had three consecutive dreams where i got stabbed to death.

and yes, i consider them dreams and not nightmares. when i wake up from a nightmare, i'm usually screaming and in a cold sweat. with these dreams, i woke up, mind wandered for a bit, then freaked out. you know, because i thought they were real or about to happen.

each dream was just a progression of the one before.

in the first one, i wake up after hearing a noise coming from the living room. then a man comes into my bedroom, puts his right hand over my mouth, and stabs me in the upper right abdomen several times. then i actually wake up.

in the second one, after he stabs me, he gets off the bed and walks slowly out of the bedroom. i stumble out of bed, try to scream, and get to the doorway to see him walk out of my apartment. then i actually wake up.

after this second one, i freaked out a bit. i thought this was actually going to happen. i got up and moved my couch in front of my door. i'm not kidding. (i told friends at work that i put a chair in front of my door, but it really was the couch. i was that fucking scared.)

in the third one, it went further. after seeing him walk out the front door, i zombiely walk to the front, walk out of my apartment, and stumble to my complex courtyard, where i fall and hit my face on this brick thing around the community barbeque pit. then i wake up.

yeah. didn't really go to sleep after that.

so, yeah, analyze away what that could mean. i'm just gonna remember to move my couch in front of my door again before hitting the hay tonight.

i got nothin'

2009-03-22T20:55:00.000-05:00

not a whole lot to report on this end of the interactive spectrum. since i last posted, well, work's been the same. meeting. meeting. meeting. work work work until 8 pm. meeting. repeat. i did, however, take friday off, and instead of doing anything sxsw related, i woke up at noon, got my car inspected, stayed in the whole day, then went to barflys solo around 10 and didn't stay long.

saturday i did a little sxsw-ing. went to a jewish record label showcase (mostly for the free bagels and lox and beer). then walked over to waterloo park where i just wanted to go home because i didn't know what was going on. then went home for a bit for a shower and wardrobe change, then on to the perez hilton party, which was ... interesting. the fact that one of the first things i noticed once in line was a guy i went on a couple of dates with a couple of years ago who i grew to hate in the course of two dates was also in line. then inside, spotted two other similar guys. my own fault for going somewhere gays would be at. go fig. the rest of the night was fun, until it came to a weird ending that i will not mention.

it was fun and all, but i feel a bit in my annual "funk". i've been doing good to try and not be in it, but lately i'm just feeling depressed and repressed and existential, and all i want to do is drink by myself, cry, and be by myself.

and that's what i've been doing when i haven't been forcing myself to be social for sanity's sake. i haven't returned any personal e-mails, calls or texts. i do have the excuse of actually being busy at work to use as an excuse, but it's a crummy excuse. so if you're out there and reading this and i haven't returned your call, e-mail or text, sorry. i'm a horrible human being that's going through his annual bout with depressioniness, which ultimately leads to having less friends and blah blah blah because i'm a self-absorbed asshole and all that nonsense.

yeah.

in other news, the battlestar galactica series finale was wonderful and made me cry in several instances, and i felt like it was a great ending to the series and i couldn't have seen it ending any other way. and sadly, i have not seen this week's episode of 30 rock, which i plan to clarify before i go to sleep tonight. and for the second week in a row, i haven't gotten to the comic book store until the weekend, resulting in me missing out on a couple of books that i now have to order online. this wouldn't happen if i took advantage of my comic book store's "pull list" service, but ... i can't do it. part of the experience for me is going in there every week and grabbing that week's books myself, along with any thing else that may grab my interest (including oggling any cute guys in there, particularly the cute, tatted clerk). i can't bring myself to change that. it's the same reason i'll never subscribe to netflix or any similar service because i enjoy the tactileness of going to i heart video or vulcan. damn me and my ancient, untechnological ways.

and that brings tonight's post to an end. see you in another month or so, unless i have something relevant to say. (doubt it.)

fraking blerg

2009-03-05T22:33:00.002-06:00

i know i haven't posted in a while. but ... ok, i just looked at my work calendar for tomorrow, and ... why the fucking fuck do i have seven meetings i'm required to attend on a fucking friday?!?!? like this fucking week (and the past two weeks) haven't been enough of a meetingpalooza and workfuckingmepalooza, but seriously, why does anyone require fucking meetings on a fucking friday?!?

not that it really matters. i'm more than likely working this weekend. and if not this weekend, late, late days next monday-wednesday to meet a client deadline for a thursday e-mail launch.

fucking blerg.

paperless

2009-02-15T19:47:00.000-06:00

for the past couple of months at work, we've been trying to go paperless. our lead project manager has been working with several people to get estimates on software and other such to present to the big cheese to show him that hey, we'd be saving sooooooo much money if we went nearly paperless. (yes, we discovered that we can't go completely paperless, but pretty near to 95% paperless, which is better than nothing.)

so going paperless has been on the top of my head for a while now. last week, i had to switch auto insurance providers pretty quickly. (long story i'd rather not get into online.) i got all of my estimates online, found the best with progressive, and bought my new policy online. when i was going through the buying process, they had an option to go paperless, with a discount to your premium. i went with it.

then tonight, when i was paying my cell phone, electricity, and gas bills online, i signed up for electronic bills. and found myself thinking how i hadn't done this already. i've been paying most of my bills online, anyway.

blah. so now the only bill i have left to sign up for the paperless option is my student loan, and i'll do that when i get my next bill. which will just leave my rent as my only non-paperless option. i guess that's all good and such.