Young Curmudgeon

yammer

2009-08-11T11:37:00.000-05:00

if certain clients would be a little more concise, our scheduled 30-minute meeting could actually take 30 minutes and not an hour and 45 minutes!

what to watch...

2009-08-10T20:15:00.001-05:00

veronica mars or nowhere?

decisions.

more soon. just having problems compiling coherent thoughts lately.

longest. meeting. ever.

2009-08-10T14:46:00.001-05:00

yes, i went out to my cube, grabbed my laptop, then came back to the meeting i was in, just so i could blog about how fucking long this meeting is fucking. going.

/hate

blerg

2009-08-06T22:23:00.002-05:00

been too much going on right now.

this may be a little emo, so pass on, gentle readers.

i feel like my life has been falling apart.

work, well, it's been overwhelming to say the least. work keeps on coming in, and we keep not hiring people. and i keep finding myself feeling, well, like i'm a newspaper copy editor again, and not in a good way.

(because in the ad world, project management, interactive design/production, interactive design/production, proofreading, editing, and writing are all different positions and not lumped into one [like a newspaper copy editor, although lately], i've been doing everything mentioned. and i do it not because i'm a martyr, i do it because i want work to be fucking done, but it never seems like it is.)

anyway. it's been a little much. and especially this week, when this stupid bitch i work with went to hr (whom i've been working very closely with these past few months) to say that basically she wants to be doing what i should be doing but i don't have time for (i.e., long term project planning/concepting). which pissed me off, because i've been trying to do that, but not had the time for it, but because she's "bored" and wants to do it, well, she did come out of a golden vagina.

then there's my personal life. which is pretty null/invalid right now.

i have no social life. and for the past couple of months, it's felt like i've been going through two breakups. the first being that my very closest friend at the moment had to move out of austin. which really devastated me. she was my closest confidante. if i had a bad day at work, i could almost always count on her to go out and drink with me and let me vent. and we had our usual routine, which went to shit of late. and i hate change.

but it's left me in a bad situation. because i depended so much on her. she was my rock. now, i have no rock. sure, we can talk on the phone and e-mail, but it's not the same. and i'm all torn up inside. it's like i've been amputated. i don't know what to do.

then there's my other "breakup". i just don't know what to do. i just. we keep trying to be friends. but it's not working. we're never going to be what we want the other to be. i love this guy. i truly do. but he doesn't respect these feelings. he'll say shit like "we could be great if you'd get over this silly stuff." or something to that effect.

but i can't. i feel how i feel, and the fact that he seemingly does not respect these feelings hurts.

which is sad, because i feel like we could have something golden. but we get so distracted with everything else, that it falls through. we'll never be what we could be. which is a shame. or not. i just don't know how to deal with him anymore. it's too much. i'm tired of fighting. and we fight over the stupidest things.

but we keep fighting. and we keep coming back to each other. i just don't know if i can do it anymore. i just really can't and stay sane. not that i'm all that sane to begin with. but he and i, i just don't fucking know. i'm so tired of fighting, but when we're not fighting, it's like he's in this world of denial about he and i. i just. i think i need to be done. which is hard, since we work together.

i really have no idea where i am. i'm not happy. at any point. i just have no idea where to go from here. to anywhere. i feel so completely lost. like i'm in some dense fog, and the only refuge is some dark, dingy motel, but that motel will only bring bad to my life.

i have no idea where i am. and i have no one talk to about it.

and i'm scared.

sleeve

2009-06-16T21:46:00.002-05:00

ok, think i found the font for the quotation mark tattoo i want. yay!

now, let's go into said tattoo.

i think i've explained this to maybe one person, but i wanted to put out there why i want the sleeve that i want, starting with the quotation mark tattoo.

it started off as ripping off some guy i follow on flickr who's a designer and was in grad school and had to make his own font, and has gradually been adding on to his arm with characters in different fonts and colors.

that was the start. i thought it was a great idea. but then i had to spin it and make it my own.

as many of you know, i have a sordid, mixed past where i've worked as a designer, writer, editor, manager; you name it, i've probably done it. but a big driving force in my life has been to be a writer, in some shape or form. the whole reason of quitting my perfectly fine, stressful editorial job back in '01 was to go back to school and work on being a writer.

which didn't turn out all so well.

but anyway. when i was a designer, i was a huge font geek. i was way into typography, and was always trying to find just the right font to fit in with the right layout, and if i found a font that was close, i'd drop it into illustrator and tweak it until it was just what i wanted. in my head, the right font with the right layout helped convey the story better.

and that's where it ties back into the writer part.

when i think back on it, i've wanted to be a writer my whole life. as a child, i'd write stories weaving me into whatever cartoon i liked at the time. i'd write myself into most anything i read, because i loved everything i read, and i wanted to be a part of it. as i grew older, i found an outlet in journalism. not only could i have an opinion, but people could read it! or i could inform them about the major news of the day! and even later in adulthood, after quitting a job that stilted me creatively, i found myself working a delivery job, and being inspired. all around me were stories just waiting to be told. and it was sort of a renaissance period for me. then i went back to advertising/marketing, and thought i wanted to write for that. but not so much. or maybe it's because i ended up stuck with all the monotonous, uncreative assignments. which drained me a bit more.

anyway. what i'm trying to get to is, the sleeve that i want, what i ultimately want to get, i want it to be a work over time. i don't want to get it all at once, because that's not how stories are written. i want to work on it over time. i want to select the fonts, and decide which character would look best in that font. and in which color. and then add on. i want my sleeve to tell a story. i want to be able to, when asked, explain to people why i selected each font and each character and each color. i want each character to be a chapter, where they all build on each other until, bam, you have a complete story.

basically, i want to wear a novel on my left arm. my novel. and maybe in the end, it would make a hell of a dust jacket.

Summer CHANGE ORDER*

2009-06-16T21:42:00.002-05:00

Due 8/25.

1) Find a new place to live. (NOTE: This is due ASAP or by 7/31.)

2) Hang out with friends that I've been neglecting.

3) Lose weight. (I need to lose at least 15 pounds for a good portion of my clothes to fit again.)

4) Buy a bike and learn how to ride it.

5) Write at least two short stories.

*change order is what the agency i work at calls the changes that need to be made once a job has been sent to a client. i know at least one other agency calls the same a job change, and i'm sure there are other names of the same thing out there. but that's the explanation for those wondering what the fuck a change order is.

i'm a powder keg waiting for a spark

2009-06-08T21:14:00.002-05:00

what kind of fireworks that will produce (yelling, tears, general violence, all of the above and more), who knows.

/warned

my saturday

2009-05-30T21:52:00.003-05:00

saw drag me to hell. awesomeness. must see at least two more times in the theater.

went to mozart's, had a mocha and sat by the lake and read a chapter of the informers.

went to nasty's, had three whiskey sodas, and read two chapters of the informers. reading at a bar is awesome.

now i'm home and about to watch the notorious bettie page to complete my lili taylor movie week. i'll post about that later.

/end

i danced in my underwear in public, and i liked it

2009-05-25T13:50:00.002-05:00

matt's birthday party yesterday/last night. much drinking was had. beer, very strong margarita, two bottles of white wine (split betwixt brandy and myself), more beer. drinking started at 2:30-ish, and i cut myself off at around 10. came home close to 1 a.m. said dancing in underwear occurred around 11 and involved myself, my lovely hostess, and two other male friends.

fast forward to this morning. apparently i called and texted a certain someone. a lot. and i feel like a total jerkface about it. and i'm still trying to figure out why brandy wrote my name on my left arm.

overall, fun night. now i face today with an awesome hangover, much laundry to do, and the impending apologetic phone call i have to make to said person i was an annoyance to last night.

/sigh

freakout

2009-05-09T13:48:00.005-05:00

11 people got laid off at work yesterday. we lost a major account, of which work was already dwindling. that fact plus the fact that they kept on not wanting to sign a contract for Q2 (even though we're already in the middle of Q2) should've been another indicator.

my major qualm is, well, they laid off an entire department. the project management department. which i worked closely with. which i was originally a member of when i went full-time at work. which i'm really good friends with both of the now former project managers. they are my friends. they are my confidantes. they were the people that kept me sane and grounded at work.

now ...

this all happened before 10 a.m. on friday. after i walked my friends to their cars, i went in to talk to my boss, who informed me he is resigning at the end of the month. he told me that the big boss was planning on having account services project manage their own jobs. i highly disagreed with that. because when i first went back to work there, well, there was no project management, and account services was project managing their own jobs, and it was fucking chaos. it didn't work. people were fighting over resources, people were staying at work every day until around 8 or 9 p.m.

so i volunteered to be the project manager. if work is really slowing down as much as it is, i can again be the project manager and proofer.

when i talked to h.r. about this, as well as my boss, they were concerned, because, well, i was overwhelmed the last time i had this dual role. and because they both know i want to move to copywriting. but you know what? that's a dream. there's no way in hell i'll ever be allowed to advance to being a copywriter with my current boss resigning. he was a big supporter of me being a writer. my "boss", who is the copywriter, only ever really gave me the more technical stuff. never gave me any actual creative things to do. so i was already pretty unhappy in my position, and as being a member of the creative department in general when i didn't do anything, well, creative.

but now i have to get back in the loop of project management. even though i moved back to creative, i was still peripherally aware of everything project management, often helping them out or covering for them when one of them was out. but the one thing i wasn't so in the loop on was this new project management system we implemented and have been using for months. yes, i knew the basics of it, but i had only opened a couple of jobs in it, and there are still so many things i don't know how to do in it that i now have to learn rather fast. i mean, it's a pretty simple software to use, but i'm still fairly new to the stuff i am going to have to do in it.

luckily (or not), one of the interactive guys that helped project management get this new software and train them on it (because he had it as his old job) has volunteered to also help me out with project management. where that worries me, though, is that two of the layoffs were interactives, which put us down to three. with this one helping me out, it technically puts us to 2.5. but with the senior interactive often in meetings and doing research and such, that technically puts us down to 1.5. so yeah, i'm a little worried. because also, the two we laid off were our leads on one account. the three left don't know that account all that well, which means they're going to need more time to do work.

to say it's a challenge is an understatement.

i think i handled myself the best i could on friday. although i did break down when i had to go talk to an AE, which started as a hug and quickly turned into a group hug with five AEs. but you know what? it actually helped. we were all feeling the same way. and we're all facing some of the same upcoming challenges.

i do see several challenges i don't know i'm ready for. one is, before they were laid off, project management was getting ready to also start project managing the analytics team. i wasn't in any of those meetings, so now i have to get up to speed on that, or push back and say we (meaning me) can't handle it right now. also, we laid off the data guy that was doing all the e-mail blasts. so now i know that's going to end up getting pushed on interactive and project management because historically at the company, we were the ones that have done it in the past. this means i have to get up to date on all our e-mail service providers, which i've been avoiding for, well, a year. there's also the personal challenge of having to work closely with the senior interactive, since he is the non-relationshiper i've mentioned in previous posts. we have been friendly at work of late, but we had the barrier of project management betwixt us. now we have to learn how to work closely on a day-to-day basis without my feelings and his lack of getting in the way.

ok, need to stop this before i give myself a panic attack. (i had two yesterday at work! between crying jags and meetings.)

i see much drinking in my future. and lack of eating. or maybe i won't drink or eat. this might be the best diet ever.

/freakoutfornow

you know...

2009-04-29T20:35:00.001-05:00

for an issue with her on the cover, uncanny x-men 509 only had psylocke in it for, oh, five panels. but at least it gave the world this line:
"congratulations on freeing the coffee machine from the tyranny of daylight savings time."

as alf would say, ha!

i want...

2009-04-26T21:18:00.002-05:00

to make shirts out of lone star bottle-cap rebuses (rebi?). someone help me make this a reality.

hit me on the head, why don't you, universe

2009-04-26T17:51:00.003-05:00

not one to normally believe in the universe trying to give me a hint, but it's certainly seemed that way these past few weeks. this week's and last week's episodes of being erica (don't judge me) dealt with unrequited love both ways (last week's dealing with a girl that was into erica, and this week on erica avoiding her neighbor/old friend because she has feelings for him, and it's not reciprocated). then the latest story arc at one of my favorite webcomics, Shortpacked!, is dealing with more unrequited feelings where one is gay and the other straight (start here). it's even showing up in reruns of shows!

i get it, universe. now stop, or i'm sending eris after you. i mean it.

the talk

2009-04-26T14:49:00.001-05:00

among the dreams i had last night, one such was of my mother and i shopping at the hancock center h-e-b. what were we shopping for? shaving cream.

i found this hilarious. mostly because i never had any sort of puberty talk with my parents. (shocker, i know.) the first time anything remotely resembling "the talk" happened was when we were going to cover, well, puberty, in my eighth-grade health class. we had to get a permission slip signed by our parents, and for a couple of days, the girls would go to the female health teacher's class, and the boy's from her class would join ours. i remember taking the permission slip home and giving it to my mom to sign. she got a horrified look on her face, like i had just handed her a dead rat with maggots crawling all over it. she threw it on the kitchen table and said i had to get my dad to sign it. so a few hours later when i dad got home from work, i told him to sign it. he didn't even read it; he just blindly signed it.

maybe it's the repressed culture of a mexican catholic family, or maybe it was just my family in general, but there were never many talks that involved sexuality or sex in general. i remember when i was about seven or eight and i found my gay uncle's "art". i was in the tv room at his house watching g.i. joe, and then i decided to snoop around. i found a photo album of my uncle's, and there were, well, lots of pictures of him with pretty men. never any pictures of him and any women. i didn't think anything of it. then i got to the later pages of the album, and found, well, artsy pictures of mostly naked men. (artsy pictures that i would later discover on my own in my teens years, thanks to the internet access at the local library.)

that wasn't the first thing that tipped me off about my uncle. when i was in first grade, i had this great teacher named miss solitaire. (yes, that was her actual name.) she was fun, and showed us willy wonka and the chocolate factory and the neverending story. and sometimes her roommate julie would come in and read stories to us. it was at the christmas pagent that year (i played an elf, and my uncle made my costume) that i found out my uncle and teacher were good friends. i was so excited. i remember telling my parents that i wanted my uncle and miss solitaire to get married, then she could be my aunt. my parents laughed at that and said her roommate might not like that. i remember saying she could live with them, too, and help take care of gramma. they laughed some more and gave me a beer to drink.

the next time i got close to any sort of "talk" with my parents was when i was in fourth grade and got into a fight with a boy in my class who called me a "joto". now, i had no idea what joto meant, but i know when he called me it, everyone around stepped back a bit. i got mad. i didn't know what joto was, but i knew i didn't want to be it if it meant everyone else didn't like me. i didn't even know what it meant? so me and this boy got into a fight (i broke his nose), and we were taken to the principal's office, where they called our parents. i got let off the hook because i was the smartest kid in my class and this was the first time i had been in any sort of trouble. but the way my parents reacted when they came out of the principal's office, you'd think i had pissed on the pope.

when we got home, my dad slapped me hard across the face, while my mother sat at the kitchen table crying. i had no idea what i had done. i was just trying to defend myself from a bully. i remember my dad yelling at me (not asking, yelling) "are you a joto?" i said no. he slapped me again. then he yelled at me again. i said no again. then he yelled "do you know what a joto is?" i said no. then he said "yeah, right." and walked away.

it wasn't until the next day at school that i asked my friend manuel what joto meant. i remember him looking at me dumbfoundedly. then he told me what it meant. i was in shock. this was the first time i had ever been told that sometimes men are with men like they are with women. i still didn't really comprehend what it meant, as i still didn't even really know what sex and sex roles were. i was in fourth grade, for jiminy crickets sake! how was i supposed to know all this?

back to eighth grade. a week after the puberty stuff was covered in health, i got my first facial hair. and it kept on coming out sporadically over my face for the next couple of weeks. (to this day, my facial hair is pretty sporadic, with it mostly coming in on my left side and still spotty on my right.) i had no idea what to do. i remember my sister telling me to shave because it looked like i had pubes stuck to my face. i remember every time i got close to asking my dad how to shave, he and my mom would start getting into a fight, or he'd yell at me and say it's my fault my mom wasn't home. (at the time, both of them were cheating on each other.) so seeing them as not an option, and with my older brother working night shift, i taught myself to shave. and by shave, i mean i put too much shaving cream on my face and cut myself 10 times. the next day, i remember my dad asking me "what the fuck happened to your face? did you get into another fight?" (note: i hadn't been in a fight since the one in fourth grade, at this point. yet it always came up for some reason.) i said "no, i shaved." he didn't say anything; he just walked away, grabbed a beer, and went out to the backyard and lit up a joint.

it wasn't until i was in ninth grade that i ended up having "the talk". it was with my first boyfriend's mother. he wasn't even my boyfriend at that point. he was just my friend danny, and i'd go to his house and we'd do homework, and listen to music, and sometimes we'd make out. i'd stay there late a lot because, well, his parents loved me, and i didn't want to go home. so one night, after dinner, danny's mom and i were having some coffee, and she asked me if danny and i had done anything more than kiss. i choked on my coffee a bit because, well, that was the most candid anyone had ever been with me about, well, anything sex related. i said no, and that i really wouldn't even know what to do if things ever got that far. so with the help of some handy fruit, she explained everything to me. (note: i forgot to mention, she was also a nurse, so i'm sure this was all old hat to her, anyway.) we ended the talk with her telling me i could always turn to her with any questions, and that i shouldn't feel pressured to do anything i'm not ready to do. when she dropped me off at my house that night, i think that was the first time i was ever jealous of other people because they had awesome parents.

to this day, my parents and i have not had any sort of "talk", and we probably never will. maybe it'll come up if i ever meet "the one" and decide to torture him by having him meet my parents and family. but i doubt it. considering to this day, no one in my family will acknowledge that my uncle is gay, well, there you go.

keeping track

2009-04-25T10:10:00.004-05:00

for the past six weeks, i've been going to alamo south for a matinee on saturdays. but for the life of me, the only movies i can recall seeing are watchmen, sunshine cleaning, and tokyo. i can't account for three movies, people! i need to start writing this the frak down.

today, however, for my seventh saturday, i plan on seeing the informers, which i'm sure will be very brett easton ellis-y.

on another note, i had a very rather lucid dream of kissing a certain someone. stupid lucid dreams, taunting me with what i cannot have. grr.

blah

2009-04-24T08:02:00.002-05:00

stupid dreams last night. (on a related note, i got five hours of sleep! record for the week, so far.)

in the first dream, well, it was a work dream. with actual work. (can i bill that?) pretty much it was me talking with interactive about interactive process, and it was really, really boring. if i wasn't already asleep, i would've been after that "meeting".

second dream, i was an x-man, and was trying to explain psylocke's history to a newbie. and while that was going on, other x-men kept interrupting me saying "wait, i thought she (insert convoluting plot point concerning psylocke here)?" and i'd say, "no, we later learned that (insert convoluting retcon concerning psylocke here)."

yeah.

90210

2009-04-23T22:16:00.001-05:00

did anyone watch this week? omg. we must talk.

i hate annie.

the most inspired thing i've written in a long time

2009-04-23T22:09:00.002-05:00

earlier this week, i was talking with my boss about how i'm just not all too creative anymore. and it's true. most of the time, i just don't have any creative juices in me. especially when i'm writing at work; i'm either too marketing or not marketing enough.

anyway. the following is something i wrote several weeks ago concerning a certain someone. i was a little inebriated when i wrote it, and a little drunk when i originally edited it. but it stands true nonetheless. and while i've spoken with the inspiration for this since i've written this, it still stands true. and it really makes me sound like a lovelorn 13-year-old fat girl.

i can't find the words to talk to you. i cut things off, and while it does hurt, i feel it's for the best. and the reasons why are multiple.

you didn't want any drama. and i respect that. and it's why i went the route i did. just a short, clean cut. but it seemed like you wanted some feedback.

so here i go. i just couldn't do it anymore. and i don't know when i can do it again. i can't even look at you. because when i do look at you, i see what i want to see. i feel your arm around me. i see your smile right before you kiss me on a sunny day outside of alamo south. i hear us talking about the boys or preacher or watchmen or some weird, cheesy horror movie we said we'd watch together but never did. i see and hear and feel all these things that never happened and never will, and realize that they never will, and i have to live with that.

and i don't know if, when i get over this, if i can ever look you in the eyes again. but i've only felt like this once before. and i never thought i'd feel this way again, and definitely not toward you. you are a refreshing essence, and definitely someone, something i never thought i'd experience again. it makes me happy, and saddens me at the same time. because, while i'm happy i can feel this happy again, it just figures that it would happen with someone with whom it would be impossible to live happily ever after.

so i'm sorry this went on as long as it did. i'm sorry we can't talk about this. but i guess you deserve to know. and i'm sorry if this knowledge saddens you, disgusts you, or insert-emotion-heres you. i wish things were somehow different, but life doesn't work like that. and i'm sorry i felt like i had to put this on craigslist in hopes you might stumble upon it rather than try and talk this out in person while holding back any tears and emotions that may come out. i'm a coward like that.

done

2009-04-10T20:38:00.000-05:00

just deleted my myspace profile. it feels oddly liberating.

over it

2009-04-06T21:36:00.003-05:00

headline covers many topics. let's begin.

1) myspace. seriously. my profile will be deleted by end of week.

2) facebook, and fearing it. friends i haven't spoken to in forever are on there, and seem to only be on there. so i'll finally make use of the profile i started there a while back when crystal (or ryan, i forget) sent me an invite to join. and i will be on facebook. grudgingly. unless i'm drunk; then it will be drunkenly and more bearable.

3) twitter. i'll still never twitter. if only because of the verb "tweet". yeah.

4) my non-relationship. straight guy i mentioned many, many posts ago that i liked? well, long story short ... um, not really a good way to cliff notes it. anyway. stopped liking him. or so i thought. feelings came back. hard. then last month or so, we've been weird when we're alone. fine at work. but when it's just he and i ... it's like we're a divorced couple trying to make small talk amidst all the awkward non-flirting. and fact of the matter is, we've been trying to be friends. but maybe trying too hard to where we're not even trying. then he did some things that really pissed me off, and, well, done trying to be friends. i'm done. because you know what? i don't want to be friends with him. i want something more, and that's not ever going to happen. so i need to suck it up, cut my losses, and live with just being co-workers. and yeah, it's hard, because i still have the impulse to want to talk to him all the time. but that's unhealthy, and i'm already unhealthy enough in enough other places of my life. i just can't do it any more and be sane. not that i'm sane.

5) i don't have a number five. but i like odd numbers.

more dreams where i get physically hurt

2009-04-01T08:04:00.002-05:00

i can't remember the first one. but again, lucid dreams in three, and this involve cats.

second dream, i'm walking around my neighborhood (or what was playing "my neighborhood" in the dream) in the snow. i see what looks like a lot of dead cats just lying in snow. but they're just sleeping in it. comfortably. then i see one of my cats (in this dream, i have three cats, two of which are home) lying in someone's yard in a bank of snow, with icicles actually hanging from one of his feet. i go and pick him up. then i hear him slowly waking up (oh yeah, in these dreams, i also have a telepathic rapport with my cats) and asking where we're going. i say we're going home. but the closer and closer we walk back to my house, the more my cat wakes up and starts freaking out. he starts extending his claws and digging them into my arms and is now screaming and freaking out. we walk into my house, and he jumps out o fmy arms, screaming. i look at my arms, and his claws are still in my arms, and blood is trickling out. then i see my cat looking at me in the dark, then pounces at me, screaming, and proceeds to climb up me, until he gets to my face and starts slashing away. then i wake up.

yeah, when i woke up from this arm, i went to my bathroom to check my arms, because they fucking hurt.

third dream, i'm staying in a hotel and have two cats with me. they look at me and say they have to go to the bathroom. i tell them, ok, let's go outside then. they look at me and say "you didn't get a hotel room with a cat bathroom?" i say no. they sigh and say they really have to use the bathroom. so i carry them into the elevator, which freaks them out. in the elevator, one of them decides to bit down and break skin on my right hand, while the other is clinging to dear life on my left arm. when the elevator opens up to the ground floor, it opens up into a denny's. the cats freak out even more and claw and bite more into my arms and hands because the patrons all start yelling at me for bringing cats into a restaurant. i say i didn't know, and have trouble finding the door. i finally get outside, and i have the pry the cats off my arms, leaving deep, long cuts going down my arms gushing with blood. then i wake up.

yeah. again, analyze away.

last night, i dreamt i was murdered

2009-03-31T20:31:00.002-05:00

i've been having a lot of lucid dreams of late. some i'd rather not share, but these i will.

last night, i had three consecutive dreams where i got stabbed to death.

and yes, i consider them dreams and not nightmares. when i wake up from a nightmare, i'm usually screaming and in a cold sweat. with these dreams, i woke up, mind wandered for a bit, then freaked out. you know, because i thought they were real or about to happen.

each dream was just a progression of the one before.

in the first one, i wake up after hearing a noise coming from the living room. then a man comes into my bedroom, puts his right hand over my mouth, and stabs me in the upper right abdomen several times. then i actually wake up.

in the second one, after he stabs me, he gets off the bed and walks slowly out of the bedroom. i stumble out of bed, try to scream, and get to the doorway to see him walk out of my apartment. then i actually wake up.

after this second one, i freaked out a bit. i thought this was actually going to happen. i got up and moved my couch in front of my door. i'm not kidding. (i told friends at work that i put a chair in front of my door, but it really was the couch. i was that fucking scared.)

in the third one, it went further. after seeing him walk out the front door, i zombiely walk to the front, walk out of my apartment, and stumble to my complex courtyard, where i fall and hit my face on this brick thing around the community barbeque pit. then i wake up.

yeah. didn't really go to sleep after that.

so, yeah, analyze away what that could mean. i'm just gonna remember to move my couch in front of my door again before hitting the hay tonight.

i got nothin'

2009-03-22T20:55:00.000-05:00

not a whole lot to report on this end of the interactive spectrum. since i last posted, well, work's been the same. meeting. meeting. meeting. work work work until 8 pm. meeting. repeat. i did, however, take friday off, and instead of doing anything sxsw related, i woke up at noon, got my car inspected, stayed in the whole day, then went to barflys solo around 10 and didn't stay long.

saturday i did a little sxsw-ing. went to a jewish record label showcase (mostly for the free bagels and lox and beer). then walked over to waterloo park where i just wanted to go home because i didn't know what was going on. then went home for a bit for a shower and wardrobe change, then on to the perez hilton party, which was ... interesting. the fact that one of the first things i noticed once in line was a guy i went on a couple of dates with a couple of years ago who i grew to hate in the course of two dates was also in line. then inside, spotted two other similar guys. my own fault for going somewhere gays would be at. go fig. the rest of the night was fun, until it came to a weird ending that i will not mention.

it was fun and all, but i feel a bit in my annual "funk". i've been doing good to try and not be in it, but lately i'm just feeling depressed and repressed and existential, and all i want to do is drink by myself, cry, and be by myself.

and that's what i've been doing when i haven't been forcing myself to be social for sanity's sake. i haven't returned any personal e-mails, calls or texts. i do have the excuse of actually being busy at work to use as an excuse, but it's a crummy excuse. so if you're out there and reading this and i haven't returned your call, e-mail or text, sorry. i'm a horrible human being that's going through his annual bout with depressioniness, which ultimately leads to having less friends and blah blah blah because i'm a self-absorbed asshole and all that nonsense.

yeah.

in other news, the battlestar galactica series finale was wonderful and made me cry in several instances, and i felt like it was a great ending to the series and i couldn't have seen it ending any other way. and sadly, i have not seen this week's episode of 30 rock, which i plan to clarify before i go to sleep tonight. and for the second week in a row, i haven't gotten to the comic book store until the weekend, resulting in me missing out on a couple of books that i now have to order online. this wouldn't happen if i took advantage of my comic book store's "pull list" service, but ... i can't do it. part of the experience for me is going in there every week and grabbing that week's books myself, along with any thing else that may grab my interest (including oggling any cute guys in there, particularly the cute, tatted clerk). i can't bring myself to change that. it's the same reason i'll never subscribe to netflix or any similar service because i enjoy the tactileness of going to i heart video or vulcan. damn me and my ancient, untechnological ways.

and that brings tonight's post to an end. see you in another month or so, unless i have something relevant to say. (doubt it.)

fraking blerg

2009-03-05T22:33:00.002-06:00

i know i haven't posted in a while. but ... ok, i just looked at my work calendar for tomorrow, and ... why the fucking fuck do i have seven meetings i'm required to attend on a fucking friday?!?!? like this fucking week (and the past two weeks) haven't been enough of a meetingpalooza and workfuckingmepalooza, but seriously, why does anyone require fucking meetings on a fucking friday?!?

not that it really matters. i'm more than likely working this weekend. and if not this weekend, late, late days next monday-wednesday to meet a client deadline for a thursday e-mail launch.

fucking blerg.

paperless

2009-02-15T19:47:00.000-06:00

for the past couple of months at work, we've been trying to go paperless. our lead project manager has been working with several people to get estimates on software and other such to present to the big cheese to show him that hey, we'd be saving sooooooo much money if we went nearly paperless. (yes, we discovered that we can't go completely paperless, but pretty near to 95% paperless, which is better than nothing.)

so going paperless has been on the top of my head for a while now. last week, i had to switch auto insurance providers pretty quickly. (long story i'd rather not get into online.) i got all of my estimates online, found the best with progressive, and bought my new policy online. when i was going through the buying process, they had an option to go paperless, with a discount to your premium. i went with it.

then tonight, when i was paying my cell phone, electricity, and gas bills online, i signed up for electronic bills. and found myself thinking how i hadn't done this already. i've been paying most of my bills online, anyway.

blah. so now the only bill i have left to sign up for the paperless option is my student loan, and i'll do that when i get my next bill. which will just leave my rent as my only non-paperless option. i guess that's all good and such.

holy frak

2009-02-12T22:38:00.002-06:00

i owe a little over $4000 to the irs. that'll show me to either 1) make sure i actually pay quarterly taxes when i'm freelancing or 2) not freelance for a while.

i think i'm leaning toward option 2. at least i don't owe a penalty.

bank account. raped.

blerg

2009-02-11T20:13:00.000-06:00

not much to report about lately. i had been kinda unhappy at work, and made a big hullabaloo about it. talked to my boss. things changed. blah blah blah. anyway. we did some cube reorgs at work, and now i'm in this cube i'd been coveting for the past six months, and i have so much space and have totally taken advantage of the space around me and yadda yadda yadda. so i'm happy with that. and i'm also happy because i'm writing again. since the new year started, i hadn't really done anything at work. but my department has been busy. so finally last week i talked with my direct supervisor (i refuse to call her my boss), and i'm writing again because i have nothing else to do. but it was exciting for me, because i got to work with one of the art directors and actually "concept" a project and present to the client and all that jazz.

anyway. but this week has been me eating it. my not-boss and a couple of other people have been out of the office for a new client pitch. they were supposed to be back today, but got stuck out-of-state yesterday due to the weird fucking texas weather. which has made me the de facto in-house copywriter. which is ... unfortunate, because that's all i've been doing. write. write. write. which was cool on monday, because that was more creative. but today was more of the monotonous, technical stuff we do, and omg i just wanted to not be doing it. i could handle the first three things i had to write, but then i got to this project where i had to write a longish article about server migration and consolidation, but what the fuck is that? the reference i was given by account services was pretty much a how to, which, um, i don't speak IT. at all. so i wrote three paragraphs and called it a day.

oy.

so now i'm tired at home and having a beer and omg world's longest duck penis!

that's all.

it's called byob for a fucking reason

2009-01-25T17:36:00.002-06:00

dear assholes that drank my beer at rachel's party last night:

since you all are a bunch of grad schoolers, i assumed you knew that byob stood for bring your own beer/booze. my mistake. now, i understand that grad school costs mucho dinero, and that yes, all you may have been able to afford was that 40 you were classily drinking out of a paper bag. but just because someone brings a 12 pack does not make it open season for you. those 12 beers were to be imbibbed by myself and a good friend. i bought the beer for the two of us. so i was astonished to go to the fridge and see that, after i had drinken 3 beers and was getting my 4th, and my friend only had 2, well, to see that after i got my 4th beer, there was only one left. only to see you with one of my beers in hand, and your friend grabbing my last beer to give to you.

had i been drunker, i would've punched you. but your beer stealing prevented my drunkenness from progressing.

in conclusion, next time you go to a byob party, bring your own shit, and make sure it's enough for you. i see you at another byob party and see you drinking my shit, i'll punch you, whether i am drunk enough or not.

x0x0,
mando

things i do not hate, contrary to others beliefs: america, obama

2009-01-20T20:25:00.000-06:00

this seems to be a conversation i've been having more often over the past couple of months than i'd like.

as the subject line says, i do not hate america. i do not hate obama. but just because i do not go around saying such does not mean it's true. or not true. i'm bad with double negatives.

today, i refused to see the inauguration, even though there was a big hullabaloo at work. it's been in my experience that, you see one inauguration, you've seen them all. (which is why i particularly liked these two comics.) i've lived through two bushes, a clinton, and a reagan. thanks. check please. also, i worked in newspapers for a large portion of my professional life, where it was mandatory that i do not let my political leanings public knowledge, since i was supposed to be a unbiased public watchdog.

that being said ... you know who i do really hate? the media. and the fervant obama supporters that now, because he's not leading a completely liberal agenda, are calling him out.

yeah. fuck you all.

firstly, let's get to the fervant obama supporters that now hate him. oh, he has a diverse cabinet. oh, he's thinking of everyone in america and not just one sect. omg! he's trying to represent all of america! every. single. person. whether they think what he does or not. how horrible? but he let some minister that doesn't support gay marriage talk at the inauguration. how dare he? you know what, not many ministers are known for their support of gay marriage or gays in general. how dare there be people who believe in something that other people don't? how dare they? you know, obama isn't hitler, right? and that he was voted president, not dictator, right? and that there's this thing called the first amendment? yeah. obama is trying to please everyone, democrat, republican, rich, poor, gay, straight, straights that only fuck trannies, etc. in short, he wants to represent america. now america, i know you're not used to that. but don't shit all over him just yet, ok? which leads into my next point ...

and secondly, to the media. can you give the guy a chance? i'm soooooo fucking tired hearing comparisons of obama to kennedy and lincoln. he's been president less than a day. let the guy fucking do something first. or, you know, let him do something to earn some merits and let him make a name for himself and not compare him to others? because you know who's going to get hurt more by this? you, dear media. you're setting yourself up for an extreme letdown when obama proves that he is human and indeed not magic. omg! when obama fucks something up, i can't wait to see the media react. because you know what, he will fuck something up. you know why? because EVERYONE fucks something up sometime. that's what makes up human. and, again, obama is fucking human. he doesn't turn water into wine, he can't pull a rabbit out of a top hat, he can't resurrect the dead nor levitate a boulder just using his mind.

ok. i've ranted enough. now leave me alone when i don't go on and on about how i should be jacking off to obama. thank you.

um, holy fucking shit

2009-01-17T11:54:00.002-06:00

so, i was just on tvsquad reading their recap of last night's new episode of battlestar galactica. when, i noticed something. i noticed the author's name. now, i don't usually pay attention to authors naems on sites and such, but this one stuck out. i thought i was imagining it. nope. that's the name. the name of this guy i was friends with years ago that i had a huge like on for. who was *surprise* straight. (shocker, i know.) so i think to myself, surely, this isn't the same guy. surely it's not. he's in the valley working for one of the stupid newspapers i used to work for. surely, this is not the same guy. so i do some digging on tvsquad, find his profile page, and on it, links to his facebook and twitter.

yup. it's the same guy. and now, i'm going back and looking at all the posts he's written for tvsquad, and i've read them all since he apparently started there back in november. and why? because they were for stuff that i really wanted to watch or read about. good frakking lord.

i'm just a bit weirded out by the situation, i suppose. and maybe a little jealous that he's actually become a writer and here i am, whining on my lil' blog.

i need a drink.

wtf - bsg related

2009-01-17T01:01:00.001-06:00

omg. if the final cylon is exactly who they said it was in tonight's episode ... i fucking called that back in season one. seriously. i'm sure many others did, too. but i never gave up. because, seriously, so obvious. so i hope it's true.

edits

2009-01-09T08:14:00.003-06:00

i deleted the last two posts. they were just too ... not me. or too me. i don't know. anyway. if you have a problem, please see my mascot below.

fucking ha!

2009-01-05T10:40:00.002-06:00

today's my first day back at work after three weeks of vacation. and one of the first things i heard was that these two assholes (one print, one interactive) that used to work here a long time ago have been laid off from their current place of employment. and i had to stiffle my laughter. so i ran out into the hallway and laughed and thought to myself "couldn't have happened to better people."

seriously. those two were such major assholes. one in particular made working here a living hell for me. such. an. asshole. i'm sure i could link to past posts about said asshole, but i'm too lazy to do such, and one of his good friends does sit right next to me, so i'll go about my day of not doing anything because is really, really dead.

go economy.

vacation, day 21: the end

2009-01-04T22:21:00.000-06:00

well, it was a good run, but i have to go back to work tomorrow. boo-fucking-hoo.

um, nothing really for today. did some grocery shopping. mostly some soups, fruits, and veggies. trying to eat sensibly this week to prep myself for the fast/cleanse that i wanna start next week. (i moved my fast/cleanse start date because i wanna see how work is for a week and see if it'll be doable.) did several loads of much-needed laundry. texted with texting guy. watched some torchwood. now i'm trying to wind down since i have to wake up at 7:30 a.m., although i'm sure i probably won't get to sleep until sometime after midnight since i didn't wake up until 1 p.m. today.

wish i had a job where i could go into work at noon.

blerg.

2008 recap

2009-01-03T21:35:00.000-06:00

because i usually do a year in mando post, but i'm too lazy/apathetic this year, so i ripped this from ruben on myspace.

2008: wrap-up
Stayed single all year?
yup

Kissed someone new?
several someones

Done something you've regretted?
when didn't i? crushing on several straight co-workers comes to mind...

Lost someone?
in the mail? at the mall? in the woods? god, i hate these myspace shits sometimes. i'll just say, no, i didn't lose anyone in the sense of death, but i did become further estranged to the point to nonexistence with several people.

Were involved in something you'll never forget?
yes, working several weeks for 12 hours a day will certainly make it an unforgettable experience.

Visited a different country?
nope

Lost something important to you?
i thought i lost my menu folder in the move to my new place, but i eventually found it, only to find that the chinese place i used to love getting delivery from no longer does delivery. l'sigh.

Got a gift you adore?
does gonorrhea count?

Tripped over a coffee table?
no, but there are several drawers in desks that have it out for me.

Came close to losing your life?
um, i drove onto a railroad track. what do you think?

Went to a party?
my fair share, yes.

Read a great book?
several, but i'll never tell. ok, i will once i remember what they were. does the alcoholic count? it's a graphic novel.

Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
the donnas during sxsw, the meat purveyors twice at continental

Did you meet any new friends this year?
several, yes.

Did you dislike anyone?
i don't know about disliking; abhoring comes closer to how i feel about several people.

Did you grow apart from anyone?
yes, yes, estrangement is fun.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to friendships?
tons.

2008: Your birthday
When was it?
8/25

Did you have a party?
um, i planned a week's worth of activities that spanned a couple of days after my birthday. does that count?

Did you get any presents?
does gonorrhea count?

2008: All about YOU
Did you change at all this year?
a little.

Did you get your hair cut?
the regular shaving of my head and trimming of my bangs does not really count.

Did you change your style?
of my hair, or my clothes, or my life? to the first, see above. to the second, nope. to the third, i did finally give in and spending money at the domain, but only at eateries.

Were you in school?
hell to the no.

Did you have a job?
several.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
does my h.r. lady at work count. her office is really close to my cube.

Did you move at all?
to the apartment complex next to the one i was living in.

Did you go on any vacations?
i'm on vacation right now, but didn't leave austin at all this year.

Would you change anything about yourself now?
um, i'd be a little less anxious and forward.

Was 2008 a good year?
i guess. it certainly could've been worse.

Do you think 2009 will top 2008?
um, yeah.

vacation, day 20: yup, it's saturday

2009-01-03T21:19:00.002-06:00

nothing much to report. texted a bit with texting guy. went for a jog. (yes, you read that right, i went for a jog. eat it.) now i'm blogging and waiting for leanne to come pick me up so we can go to barflys. it is, indeed, saturday.

vacation, days 11-19: winding down

2009-01-02T13:12:00.000-06:00

ugh, not really a whole lot to report.

x-mas was brought in my traditional way: watching 24 hours of a christmas story on tbs and eating pizza. of course, the marathon ends at 7 p.m. so afterwards, went to hole in the wall, per x-mas usual. but hole in the wall unnerved me a little. it was kinda packed. and there was karaoke going on inside, and a honky-tonk band playing outside. and it's been a while since i've been there, and all my usual hot bartenders are gone, and that night, a new girl bartender i'm not familiar with was making my drinks. and they were weak. weak i say! so at 9, when i wasn't drunk yet, and the honky-tonk band started covering r.e.m., i decided it was time to break tradition and go to my bar mainstay: barflys. so off i went, and i was drunk within an hour there. then i came home, and here's the weird part. i met a guy online. and we were up texting until 5:30 a.m. that's all i'll say for now.

did absolutely nothing on the 26th. the 27th, went out for drinks with my texting guy. it went well. went out for drinks with leanne on the 28th when she got back from angleton. did squat on the 29th. had a fruitless trip to ikea with leanne on the 30th. later that night, went out for drinks with her, brandy, and april at hideout. twas fun. brandy made fun of me because i spent a good portion of the night texting with my texting guy. his dog that he's had for 13 years had to be put down the previous day, so i was trying my best to help him along, which in mando-talk is i was trying to distract him from the problem at hand. (it apparently worked that night, but seems to have backfired.)

new year's eve, i was planning on just staying in, watching dvds and not drinking because i've been drinking way too much lately and my body is kinda hating me. and that is how it started. but unfortunately, the dvds i decided to watch were season 1 of mad men. so i gave in and made a whiskey soda. and then another. and then another. and then before i knew it, season 1 was over, it was almost 11, and brandy was texting me to see if i was going to this party she had mentioned the night before. i said i was feeling misanthropic, she said how was that different than any other day, and i acquiesced and showed up to the party, which actually ended up being fun.

new year's day, well, the original plan was to go on a proper date with texting guy. that ... didn't turn out so much. as i mentioned, he had to put his dog down a couple of days prior. and he was kinda devastated by it. (when we went out for drinks, we brought up pets and he mentioned he's had his dog for 13 years and didn't know what he would do if she ever died. yeah. eerie foreshadowing, in hindsight.) anyway. i hadn't heard from him the day before, and when i hadn't heard from him by 5:30, i started freaking out a little and called leanne to talk it out. she said to give him some more time. so finally, around 7-ish, i texted him again, and he responded saying he wasn't up for it. completely understandable. but then i was feeling a little depressed about it, because i was really looking forward to a proper date, so leanne and i went drinking. le sigh.

and now it's friday, and i only have two more days of vacation. wah! i do not want to go back to work on monday. i don't. i've gotten used to going to sleep whenever i want, and waking up at noon, and not being stressed about work. and not having to drive to north fucking austin five to six days a week. gah.

so my only plans for today so far are going to austin books to pick up this week's new comics, read them, then come back and research fasts/cleansing, because i desperately need to get my body to like me again. i'm considering the one brandy was on not so long ago (lemon juice, maple syrup, cayene pepper thing). yup. that's it. and dreading going back to work.

ok, that's all for now. ta.

happy fucking new year

2009-01-01T13:00:00.001-06:00

posts coming. honest.

vacation, days 6-10: blerg

2008-12-25T00:20:00.000-06:00

um, nothing much to really report for these days.

saturday was dusty and sharlee's x-mas party. it was good. nothing too out of the ordinary. some friend of a co-worker's of sharlee was talking about metal and blah blah blah. he was a big, black guy that talked about metal and not eating healthy and other crap. he was like a black logan. only less funny. but besides that? there was a cute straight guy there named dane who apparently dates another friend of dusty and sharlee's. whatevs. he was cute and gave me some eye candy for the night. no harm done.

sunday, had some drinks at barflys with brandy and matt. she gave me her x-mas present to me, which made so much sense when you think of me and brandy and where our conversations turn (it was season one of 90210, btw).

monday? crap. i don't think i did anything on monday. i know i e-mailed people trying to get a happy hour together, only to get excuses of latke parties, last-minute shopping, and family in town. i don't think i did anything else.

tuesday? um, crap redux. i had nothing to do. well, i went to room service to try and buy what i had seen there that i wanted to buy for brandy for her x-mas gift, but twas not there anymore. twas bought. and i twas all sigh-like. and then around 11 p.m., i found myself wide awake and bored out of my mind, so i went to hole in the wall and had myself some drinks and befriended some girl who's name i cannot remember, although i can remember that she works at the hilton and lived on a reservation in oklahoma and is going back there soon to have some dental work done because all members of the reservation get free medical and dental. and we both smoke camel wides. oh, and i watched the second disc of the first season of mad men.

today? um, well, considering i didn't get to sleep until 4 a.m. and woke up at 11 a.m. because the blinds in my bedroom suck and i had sunlight blazing in my face. (really, texas weather, it got to the 70s today and is in the 40s right now? really?) anyway. i bought my new comics because it's new comics day. then i did a spot of grocery shopping, which unnerved me so much because h-e-b was packed and panicy at 2 p.m. took a drive because i was tired of being at home. now i'm watching the third showing of 24 hours of a christmas story on tbs and drinking a whiskey soda. life is good?

vacation, day 5: fuck you, usps

2008-12-19T19:31:00.000-06:00

another uneventful day, really.

i finally went to the 12:30 p.m. showing of rachel getting married at the arbor. o.m.g. so. good. i want to see at again. and then again. and then buy it. and i can finally say that i like something with anne hathaway in it. (not that i've been dying to say that.) but seriously, go see it. it was alternately funny and bawl-worthy, and possibly i identified a bit too much with anne's self-destructive character.

moving on...

um, i came home and watched the episode that was on of barefoot contessa, which sponsored a certain reaction in me. if you watch the good ol' contessa, you know she starts off every episode with, well, what she's going to do for the episode. for today, she was making dinner for her and her husband. only she hates cooking for two, so she's cooking for four and giving the other two portions to her gorgeous friend t.r. she's also giving him a shopping list, as he's alone for the weekend, and "you know men; they'll buy four chocolate cakes and not have anything to eat for the weekend."

really, ina? really? what men are these? because i know i certainly don't know any men that, when faced with the aspect of being alone for the weekend, will go out and buy nothing but four chocolate cakes. and i'm including gay men in this formula. and how did you come up with four chocolate cakes, ina? how is four the magical number of chocolate cakes (chocolate?!?) that men will buy when spending the weekend by themselves? really?

oh, and i went to the post office to mail off some bills, only to discover that, *gasp*, they've gotten rid of their stamp vending machine. no, not the one that takes your credit card. the one that takes your change. this really pissed me off, as, well, i have not bought a book of stamps in years, and refuse to, because invaribly by the time i get to use the last couple of stamps, the price of stamps have changed, meaning i have to buy the cursed 1 cent stamps, and blah blah blah. but now i have all these dimes, nickels, and pennies, and how am i supposed to use them? a pox on you, u.s. postal service, for getting rid of these vending machines. you know why? because now, instead of going to the post office after hours to buy three stamps with $1.26 in nickels and pennies, now i'm going to go during business hours, and then you're going to have to count it to make sure it's exact. take that!

and now, i wait to go to barflys with leanne. ta-fucking-da.

vacation, day 4: the fog

2008-12-18T18:42:00.003-06:00

after getting entirely too drunk last night, i got up at 8 am today, in anticipation of the ups man bearing packages with threadless t-shirts and converse shoes. so even though i really wanted to go back to sleep, i stayed up until the ups guy came by at 11:30 a.m. yay! new things!

but also, there was a third package that i knew nothing about on my stoop. it was a package from my parents.

sigh. and that's when i decided i needed to drink tonight.

see, my parents send me these stupid gift packages that usually involve three x-large shirts and two pairs of large pajamas and lots and lots of fattening crap in there. i usually end up throwing most of it out.

gah.

anyway. went back to sleep after that until around 3. then got up, put on a new shirt and some new shoes, and went to bookpeople, where i bought a couple of books (new sarah vowell!).

now, i'm home, eating din-din, watching young and the restless on soapnet, and plotting where i will drink tonight. considering all the fucking fog, it might be a nasty's night.

oh yeah, and the fucking fog. what, do we live in england now? i feel like i'm gonna be jack-the-rippered when i walk in my alley.

that's all.

vacation, day 3: change of plans

2008-12-17T12:46:00.000-06:00

so, today, i was going to wake up early (read: 10 a.m.) in order to make it to the noon showing of rachel getting married at the arbor. then i was going to buy my new comics and go home and read them. then i was going to texas chili parlor with leanne and co.

only i woke up today to an e-mail from leanne saying justin was laid off at work. so i start putting my feelers out, and finally give in and check my work e-mail. yup, justin was laid off. i get on IM and talk to april. several other people were also laid off. some people i really, really liked working with.

fucking bullshit, especially when a really great account director was laid off, and this really stupid/sometimes competent account exec is still there only because her mom is the company's president.

sigh.

so now i'm helping people job search and drinking coffee. then i will go get comics and possibly lunch. then i'll either go to chili parlor for a little bit or go straight to drinking with justin, as i suggested to him that i need to get him drunk tonight (in a platonic way).

so that's the plan as of 12:46 p.m. let's see if it sticks.

vacation, day 2: stimulating the economy

2008-12-16T16:41:00.002-06:00

so i had high hopes of going to fry's today to pick up season one of mad men. only, well, i didn't want to drive all the way to fry's. so i went to the best buy by my place instead. no mad men.

instead of going anywhere else to look for it, i came home, got on amazon, and bought it there for less than $30. and while i was there, picked up season two of 30 rock and seasons one and three of how i met your mother.

and while i was at it, bought two pairs of converse (navy high-tops and red low-tops) from converse.com. and filled in some blanks in my comics collection on eBay. and bought five shirts at threadless.

sad thing is, i'm probably gonna go to i heart video to pick up the second disc of season one of mad men, because i'm wanting a bit of instant gratification there.

sigh.

vacation, day 1

2008-12-15T10:39:00.002-06:00

i got nothing. fuck. only 20 more days to go. is it january 5 yet?

update (10:51 p.m.): i went grocery shopping, rented the first disc of season one of mad men (loved it, and sadly some client meetings still work that way nowadays, and i'll probably be buying season one tomorrow), saw too many soap operas, and didn't check my work mail once (honest. really.). now i'm gonna curl up with stars and s.t.r.i.p.e. volume 1 and have a beer. ta-fucking-da.

beautiful and stupid

2008-12-09T23:18:00.002-06:00

i looked out my window a few minutes ago and HOLY SHIT IT'S SNOWING! but not just snowing, but snowing like that scene from edward scissorhands where winona is just relishing in it. so i quickly got dressed with the sole reason of going outside and winona-ing it up. but not before i stupidly texted my straight crush. because i felt like he'd see the scene in the same way i was, because he's a filmy.

sigh.

it's still a pretty sight, though. the snow, that is.

solution

2008-12-07T17:48:00.002-06:00

so a while back (read: around april), my friendly neighborhood h-e-b stopped carrying these gorditas that i would buy all the time. those gorditas were my ultimate comfort food. they got me through my last unemployment era and such. anyway. so i'd go in search of these gorditas every so often at my local h-e-b, and to this date, still no luck. not even at my local fiesta!

but i digress and get less tangental. since i couldn't find any chinese menus for take out, and i was way in the mood for some comfort food, mostly to help me with my latest bout of stupid, stupid gayness, when i thought of something. something brilliant. what if i went to the h-e-b on east 7th way past i-35 and right in the middle of all the mexican-ness? i mean, come on, if they didn't have my gorditas there, then i'd at least be in the right part of town for some good mexican food.

long story short, that h-e-b had my gorditas! yay! hazaa! i can now eat five of them in one sitting and curse my latest bout of stupid gayness.

yay.

predicament

2008-12-07T11:22:00.002-06:00

i really want chinese food (thanks, leanne), but i've discovered something: i've misplaced my menus folder! i just looked and looked for it, including in boxes i haven't unpacked since i moved back in july. so yeah, it's gone. and the only chinese menu i have is for ming's, and they suck.

sigh.

oops, redux

2008-12-01T21:29:00.000-06:00

not to get all into detail about it, but the long-short is that i've fallen for a straight guy.

again.

the sad thing is, i didn't even really know it this time. most of the other times, i'm well aware that i'm falling for the unattainable. this time, it sneaked up on me. all the signs were there. upon asking others in hindsight, they had already figured it out. but it wasn't until i was out with leanne one night, and texting my non-guy, that she asked me if i liked him, and it hit. yeah, i do.

and that makes it a little weirder. not the fact that it hadn't dawned on me that i liked him, but, well, we do work together. i was IM-ing with brandy about it at work today, kinda filling her in on what i've talked to leanne about. and leanne has said it best when she said that i tend to get into these weird non-relationships with straight guys.

it's just another weird situation i've gotten myself into that i never know how to handle and always end up doing the wrong thing the right way. how do i make things not weird with a straight guy i'm friends with, work with, and who texts me things like "i heart you".

ugh. i need a drink.

four words

2008-11-27T13:56:00.002-06:00

murderflirt
murderwhore
murdergasm
murderlingus

(this list will be revised when i can remember the other two leanne and i came up with and delete the two josh contributed via text.)

time off

2008-11-27T13:55:00.003-06:00

per my previous post ... this week, i submitted my leave request. so i'll be off from work starting dec. 15 until the end of the year.

hope they survive. ha.

awesome?

2008-11-23T20:52:00.002-06:00

i just figured out that i have 6.5 days of time off i need to take before the end of the year, otherwise i lose it. i also have a "comp" day from one of our clients, which takes me up to 7.5 days. my company is closing down for the last week of this year, starting on december 25 (which means a half-day on december 24).

so what this means is, well, i'm gonna be an asshole, and tomorrow at work, i'm going to fill out my request for time off, which means my last day at work this year will be december 12, and then i won't have to deal with any of this nonsense until next year.

awesome, right?

this one goes out to all the homos...

2008-11-18T20:56:00.002-06:00

remember what a scandal it was, while growing up, to hear "bitch" said on dynasty? i honestly think it was the first english curse word i'd heard. (i'd built up quite a repertoire of spanish curse words by the time i was 5.) i also remember finding it hilarious that my parents scolded me for saying "bitch" but not for saying "putamadre", which, you know, a bit fucking worse.

that's all.

an australian and a transient helped me out of a railroad track tonight

2008-10-26T03:45:00.002-05:00

and i wish that were a fictional statement, but it's the gosh-darn truth.

if you want the full story, e-mail me.

another reason to miss san marcos

2008-10-20T20:06:00.001-05:00

on time warner there, we got not just the austin affiliates, but the san antonio ones, too. so while time warner and kxan have their pissing contest, i could still be watching saturday night live on the san antonio affiliate.

sigh?

copywriting

2008-10-19T14:00:00.001-05:00

starting back in august, i started doing some copywriting at work. it came about because my boss, the creative director (and our only copywriter at work), was going on vacation for a week, so we were trying to set things up for copy while she's out. we hired one freelancer to work on this one monster article. we hired another freelancer to work on a couple of launch campaigns where copy needed to start the week she was out. and i was supposed to handle everything else (i.e., the more technical stuff that was really just copyediting and writing headlines and subject lines).

yeah. this was also back when i was doing traffic work, too.

but i did it. and, i don't know. i kinda liked the copywriting. but also, i think it meant a lot to me that the creative director trusted me with writing copy.

back when i worked at this agency the first time, our then-vp of creative services always said i was a great copywriter. and i'd tell him he was full of it. and he'd say "but you write great e-mails explaining to the client why their changes are grammatically incorrect." and i'd say "yeah, and that's not something that's read by thousands of people, and account services has to clean out my cursing."

anyway. so now, in the past couple of weeks since i moved back to the creative department, i've been doing more copywriting in addition to my copyediting/proofreading. and, in typical mando fashion, i'm starting to doubt myself. and of course, it's a trust issue, and we all know how i am with trust.

so yes, while i'm sure the creative director means it when she says i did a great job on the copy i've written, i don't believe it. well, i part believe it, but then i think to myself, you know, she's just buttering me up so she's not the only copywriter anymore. i know my copy was shit, but she's saying it smells like roses.

this also goes back a long way. i've never been comfortable with my writing skills. i've never thought i was a good writer. and it probably stems from my last stint in college, when i applied for the same internships as some of my co-workers at the school paper, and they'd get the internships, and i wouldn't even get so much as a rejection letter until midway through the summer when i knew the internship was already going on. back then, i tried to convince myself, ok, i'm not getting these internships because i've already worked at a newspaper, so obviously they want to give preference to people who haven't had that experience.

(of course, this theory was disproven a year or so ago when this guy i used to work with at the harlingen paper who quit said job to go back to college got an internship at a major texas paper.)

i'm trying really hard to not think this way. i really want to believe that my boss thinks i'm a good writer. i really want to believe that me writing isn't an imposition to anyone in the company. (i also feel like i need to do something other than copyediting/proofing since i kept my rather large salary even though i moved to a lower position in the company when i switched departments.) i'm trying really hard to be optimistic, but i can't help but feel like the outsider in the creative department again.

i will say this, though; i have gotten a couple of puns in. ok, so maybe they were a little on the subtle side, but still, they were approved by the client, and went out to thousands of people who probably also didn't get the pun. but tens of thousands of people have seen a pun that i wrote!

it's the little things, i suppose.

bunk

2008-10-19T13:30:00.000-05:00

so a couple of weeks ago, i answered an ad on craigslist. and that same night, went out on a blind date with the guy from the ad.

it went ok. we met at deep eddy cabaret, had a couple of beers, had a decent conversation. and he was cute.

anyway. we keep in touch, and we go on another date last sunday.

and this, my friends, is when things take a turn for the worse.

while i still think he's a nice guy, and we can possibly be friends, yeah, i cannot date him. he does not have his shit together. at. all.

he had kind of hinted to such on our first date. but didn't go into it. just said, yeah, his last roommate was psycho. he's sleeping on a friend's couch. just got a new job.

so last sunday, i found out the reasons behind such.

(oh, and before i go any further, he was a katrina evacuee, one of the people who actually stayed in new orleans in his house until he had to be rescued.)

the last, psycho roommate started taking over their house. then threatened to kill his dog. via a note left on the fridge. so my date goes to said roommate's room, threatens to kill him if he goes near his dog. yeah. apparently, an hour later, cops are there to arrest him. similar instances happen over the next several months, which involve him going in and out of jail. so that started in march and ended in august. so he spent a large majority of this year in jail.

yeah.

so the friend's couch he's sleeping on. not so much a couch. he has some friends who are opening up a bar. so he's staying in the bar, and works on it during the day when he's not working.

yeah.

and the new job? he just started it a couple of weeks ago. his birth certificate and most of his forms of ID went missing while he was in jail.

yeah.

i know how to pick 'em, eh?

oh, but it gets better. he hates non-gay bars. which is the exact opposite of me. since i choose where we went for the first date, he chose the location of the second. he chose the cockpit. and i couldn't have felt more uncomfortable while he was as relaxed as a, as a, as someone really relaxed. (hey, i'm on my first cup of coffee; don't judge my lack of creative metaphors and such.) he said that he felt really uncomfortable at deep eddy. that he could just feel everyone looking at us and thinking "look at the gay guys." to which i responded with "really?" i love deep eddy because it's so completely laid back and divey. and hell, i've had several successful first dates there. (and i use successful as in dates that led into another date.) so that made me wonder if our first date had been successful or not. i mean, it seemed like he spent so much time thinking about what the other people in the bar were thinking about then focusing on me.

whatever. i guess the same happened to me on the second date, because all i could keep focusing on were the other guys in the bar whispering and staring or pointing in our direction. and the way the bartender kept on flirting with my date. and seriously? $2.25 for a lonestar?

anyway. he and i were supposed to hang this past monday or tuesday, but i never called or e-mailed him, and he didn't contact me. so maybe he's lost interest. maybe he's in jail again. who knows.

why can't cokie be gay? sigh.

last night, i had a dream

2008-10-14T21:18:00.000-05:00

ok, so it wasn't exactly last night, and it did not involve any cows named elsie, a place named cyberland, or a suicidal mickey mouse.

so here's where my subconscious has been lately.

1. my friend brandy and i decided we wanted to take music classes, so we enrolled at ut. (because they'll automatically take anyone, according to my sleeping self.) and we forget about the classes for a week. then we go. only we just go to campus after work, and not actually to class. but we're like kids in a candy store. we're running all over the music building (or at least what the music building looks like in my dream), going from room to room and observing people playing instruments and singing and hating music theory (i know that last one from personal experience). finally, we stumble upon a room that has a what could be best described as a timbre machine (although it looks more like a breathalyzer). brandy sings "la la la" into the tube, and the machine says, in a machine voice "you're heavenly." she smiles and giggles and hands the tube over to me. i sing "la la la" into the tube, and the machine says, "please, do us a favor and slit your throat." and that's when i wake up.

2. for some reason, the creative directors, art directors, and interactive lead are not available to concept a new job for our main business-to-consumer client at work. so me and cokie (the new freelance interactive guy i have an insane crush on even though i know he's straight via my cyber-sleuthing and even though he seems to flirt a bit with the new traffic girl at work, even though he's probably not flirting and just being friendly, but i'm a jealous bitch like that) are chosen to work on the job. him design; me copy. (this, not to analyze the dream, is probably be reacting to the amount of copywriting i'm doing at work. more on that in another post.) so we come up with three good designs and headlines and subheads. we do an internal review, and everyone loves them. with no changes. (it really was a dream.) then we present to the client. and they choose a concept during the presentation. with no changes. and it goes through their legal department. with no changes. and everyone is happy. (note: this never happens, so obviously, it's a dream.) so, me and cokie, high on having the first campaign to be approved with no revisions, go out for a celebatory libation. since we live a couple of blocks away from each other (and yeah, more on that later), we just go to his place and have a beer and are generally happy. so we clink our beers, have a sip, then hug. and then that's where it gets weird. as we're pulling away from the hug, we catch eyes. we say to each other "good job" in unison. we laugh about it. and smile. and continue the eye contact. then we kiss. and while it's a good kiss, it just feels ... wrong. we kiss again. same feeling. i pull out of the embrace, say, "hey, it's getting late, i should get home. see you tomorrow. and great work." he says "ok", gets a disappointed look on his face, and i walk out the door. then i wake up.

3. i have sex with my friend/co-worker josh. and he's an awful lay. i mean awful. like afterwards, i'm thinking "wow, i wish i had had sex with a girl." yeah. and an awful kisser, too. i wake up right as he's asking "wanna go again?"

4. talking about saturday night live with the new traffic girl, april. (funnily, this actually happened at work today.) we talk about tina fey being awesome. and about gilda. and then i wake up.

facebook is fucking dangerous

2008-10-06T23:35:00.002-05:00

um, do i need to say more than that?

a friend of mine left a message on my facebook, which i never, ever check. so while i was there, i decided to check in on like the two other people i'm "friends" with on facebook. one is a friend i go back to from high school. who shares my newspaper background. so i was looking at her friends, and, well, my first intern is apparently in austin now!

you have to understand, when i first had interns, i was ecstatic! i loved having interns. i was also 19 years old, and my interns were older than me. so anyway. i was proud of my interns, because they went on to better things than i ever would. this one intern i found tonight, well, she went on to be the webmaster for a major network. so i was particularly proud of her. but to find out how she's now in austin ... i must find out.

and i found this other other guy on facebook who's friends with the last straight guy named mike that i had a thing for (i apparently have a thing for straight guys named mike).

facebook.

evil.

that's all.

decisions

2008-10-06T22:11:00.002-05:00

i've been flirting with the idea of sharing my blog with my friends at work. this wasn't so much a problem the last time around, because i think alison and i were comfortable enough with each other when we decided to share our blogs with each other.

i just don't know if i'm at that point yet with some of these new people, but i want to try to be.

but obviously, not enough.

the one fellow i mentioned in a previous post that we basically texted most of the night on friday, well, i avoided him completely today. i think mostly from the fact that i kinda bared my soul to him. and not even completely, because, come on, how much soul bareing can you do via text message? i think i was just more embarassed that i'd let him even virtually see me that way. and i know that i shouldn't feel that way. he and i have had many, many semi-deep conversations at and after work, and i really do consider him a friend. so why am i treating him like shit and ignoring him?

and then there's my other kinda good friend at work. she was my (now former) co-traffic manager. we got along right off the bat. but lately, since i decided to move back to the creative department, we've been a little distant. i don't know. maybe it's all in my head. maybe we just need to talk about it. maybe she and i are too much alike that we can't mention to the other when we have a problem with them. today was especially harsh. we just weren't getting each other. and, to be honest, it's been happening for a couple of weeks now. i don't know. it makes me sad, because we seemed to have this good thing going. then other stuff happened. some professional. some personal (that i won't go into because, well, it's rather personal betwixt the two of us). i don't know. i feel like i'm losing her as a friend, and i don't know how to hold on. this isn't one of my strengths, you know.

i don't know. it almost feels like classic mando here where, one aspect of my life seems to be falling down around me, so i let it affect everything about my life until everything is falling down around me.

i won't even go into some of the sexual indescretions i've had lately.

lately, more than anything, the song "hypocrite" by lush really lends some credence.

i want to let people in my life. but i don't know how. i don't know if they'd even want to be let in. so i make the decision for them. and keep them out. and keep myself away from anyone who would even remotely care for me until i've pushed them sufficiently away.

i see all this going on, and i don't do a thing to stop it. i hate that i let this happen.

i wish, i wish i were better adjusted. i wish i could trust people more than i do. i wish i could trust myself more than i do. i wish i could let things go that don't really matter. i wish i had balls.

i wish a lot of things. but those things won't come true unless i finally stop being such a fucking pussy and man up and take control of my life.

i think i'm slowly getting there.

slowly.

slow.

ly.

things i need to stop doing: progress?

2008-10-06T17:29:00.000-05:00

in response to my previous post...

1. i haven't cried today. i think i kinda cried myself out this weekend, which included much texting with a co-worker/friend friday night who was trying to cheer me up and was going through a bit a self-loathing, as well. one thing he told me that i'm trying to take to heart is "our jobs [aren't] worth that amount of strife". today, while talking with my new old new boss, she told me i needed to "detach". i think both are right. but just because i think it doesn't mean i'll follow it. but i am trying. and that's the hard part.
2. see answer to 3 below.
3. with me not doing traffic at work anymore, i have no reason to talk to my crush anymore. in fact, i really have no reason to talk to anyone at work anymore because copyediting/proofing doesn't really necessitate me to have multiple conversations with anyone. really, the only people i have to talk to are my boss, the art directors, and the traffic managers. yeah. so no more awkward chats or flirting. yay?
4. still working on this. in the middle of writing this, i did tear up a little at work, but no actual crying. progress, eh?

pre-emptive holiday depression

2008-10-05T23:09:00.002-05:00

since it's been that kind of weekend, i've already started thinking ahead to the impending 2008 holiday season. this was brought up at work in the last week or so, because we usually get the last week or second to last week of the year off. it's usually the second to last, but this year, it's the last, which has pissed some people off who were planning on going home the week of x-mas, even though fucking x-mas is a fucking thursday this year, and we're getting to not work from 12/24 to 1/2. we don't have to fucking go back to work until 1/5/09!

but oh no. people are mad. oh, my husband has the week of x-mas off. oh, i was planning on going home to ohio for x-mas, now i have to miss it for the first time.

boo-fucking-hoo.

i said, and i meant it quite seriously, "why can't everyone hate their family as much as i do?"

to which, i got a lot of "awww".

which was not the response i was hoping for.

which i guess is what has gotten me more so in this mood.

i don't like my family. i've avoided going home for any sort of holiday or the past four years. and i'd like to keep it that way. but when people started to feel pity for me, it made me feel a little sad. let's recant last year's holidays. i had pizza and beer for thanksgiving all by myself. for x-mas, i went to beerland and drank by myself.

um, yeah. i'm not a religious or holiday-ish guy, but looking back on that, and considering i've been rather self-loathy this whole weekend, wow, sad.

and that's all i got.

wow

2008-10-03T18:12:00.001-05:00

there's nothing more disheartening (well, work-wise, and possibly just to me) than to see two people accomplish in two days what you've been trying to do for months. guess i really was the problem on these accounts.

fuck everyone.

things i need to stop doing

2008-10-02T19:18:00.001-05:00

1. crying at work
2. crushing on straight guys
3. crushing on straight guys who are co-workers
4. crying at work

my arms just broke out in hives while i was doozing off on my couch

2008-09-29T21:34:00.000-05:00

um, that's bad, right?

craptacular

2008-09-28T22:33:00.000-05:00

you may have noticed i haven't really done much in the way of posting in the past several months. some of it can be attributed to the fact that i've been working, on the typical, 50- to 70-hour-ish weeks.

which hopefully will change in a couple of weeks. i finally realized that most of my stress came from the fact that i have two positions at work, and both have, in recent months, had full-time workloads. when i originally started my dual role, it made sense. it was always a 50-50 split, or 60-40, or 70-30. and recently, it's been more like 100-100, with the split not happening so much, which led to me making some really, really stupid mistakes on my editing side, and not doing my best to handle workloads on the trafficking side.

so i finally told my boss this a couple of mondays ago that i want to go back to full-time editing, which means moving back to my previous department. no worries. well, some worries that i won't go into just yet.

in the past 2.5 months, i've been taken into my boss's office once a week for her to tell me how people are complaining to her about my attitude. i'm an asshole. i'm unhappy. i'm snippy. i don't pay attention when people come up to my desk because i'm so focused on what i'm doing, and people get offended by that.

finally on a friday in the all too recent past, my boss asked me if maybe, just maybe, i'd feel better just doing proofing/editing. it took me by surprise. but not so much. she was obviously seeing something i wasn't. so i had to look inwards, and, well, yeah. blah blah blah.

to say i kinda feel forced out of the traffic portion of my position is an understatement. while i understand where people are coming from, agian, no one, except one person, has actually voiced their concerns to me. which is, you know, standard fucking practice. you know, resolve your problems with the person before you go and fucking complain to their superiors. whatever.

it just feels so much like when i was managing editor of the SWT newspaper my last year in college. which lasted a semester, because nobody liked me treating them like they actually work for a newspaper. having worked professionally in the field before going back to college to work on my degree (which still elludes me to this day), i brought a lot to the table. which was appreciated, at first. but once i was in a higher position of power, man, people hated me. and again, no one complained to me. they didn't even complain to the editor in cheif, who was my boss. no, they went to our faculty adviser. which was bullshit. they'd complain about "he makes us get stuff in on deadline." "my boyfriend broke up with me, and i was crying at my desk and making careless mistakes, and he was trying to make me go home." "he told me my headlines are vague and to rewrite them. what's vague about team wins game?" "he made me rewrite a review because it didn't actually even mention what i was supposed to be reviewing."

yeah.

this is a little different, because this is supposed to be in an adult, professional environment. (ha!) it still makes me feel like shit. not because i've disappointed people. but because i've disappointed myself. here's this job i'm really good at, but it stresses the shit out of me to the point that i want to go into someone's office and beat them up. and this is a sweet mother of two i'm talking about.

so, again, while i know i'm probably doing what's best for the company, and what's best for me, sanity-wise, i still feel like a failure. why can't i have a better game face? why can't i just let shit roll off my back? why do i have to be an asshole when i can bottle it up and drink about it later?

i know i made strides at work when i started back on the traffic side. every one has told me that. but i haven't made strides in myself. i've just become this hollow, alcoholic asshole that is based on work. i hate him. and i hate that i've let myself become him.

my once (and future) supervisor, who when i told her that i was probably going to move back to full-time proofing/editing and told her this entire story above, told me "i miss your old, cynical self." "yeah," i said, "i do, too."

the sugarcube conspiracy, or, how i learned the world doesn't want me to have my coffee just the way i like it

2008-09-23T20:09:00.000-05:00

four grocery. two days. no sugarcubes. one doesn't even lead me on with the label saying sugarcubes should be there and how much they would cost if they would magically appear. i had to resort to buying uncubed sugar. which, well, crapshoot. now my coffee will universally be either too sweet or not sweet enough.

le sigh.

on an unrelated sugar note (although my friend brandy might say otherwise), i did a little cyberstalking of the new cute interactive guy at work (don't judge me). i found his blog and have been reading the archives. while it's answered my question on is he or isn't he (i find him attractive, so obviously, he had to be straight), he posted an interesting post today.

(sidebar: i actually saw him working on said post at work.)

anyway. so apparently, he got offered a job somewhere else, and he's weighing the pros and cons of which to take. and it almost seems like he's leaning towards the other job. which is freaking me out a bit. not because i finally have some new eye candy at work (read: i finally have some eye candy at work), but because he's fucking good at what he does. he's a fast learner, and i'm already moving him onto one of our more complicated accounts. (this is only his fifth day on the job.) and he's thorough; everything he's done so far has had minimal revisions.

as opposed to the guy who started two days before him, and is still fucking shit up. a lot. in fact, he fucked up something so hardcore today, it took two people to work on it to figure out how fucked up it is, only for me to go to account services and say "yeah, this shit ain't going out. it needs some botox and a visit to nip/tuck. once a day. for a month."

yeah. so while i really, really want the new cute interactive guy to stay, for reasons good and bad, i wouldn't hold it against him if he took the job at the "hip" place he writes of in his post.

le sigh squared.

wow

2008-09-22T08:11:00.001-05:00

30 rock did really good at the emmy's last night! tina fey and alec baldwin both won the best leading actor awards for a comedy series. the show won best comedy and best writing (for "cooter", the second season finale). that's out-fucking-standing. maybe now more people will get it when i say blerg. or not.

blerg.

more annoyance

2008-09-21T23:41:00.000-05:00

a couple of weeks ago, i was talking to a "friend"* on adam4adam.com.** he was telling me about his usual conquests, and of course, after he was done, he asked me if i had any. i had none, because i don't just sleep with anyone, willy nilly. now, this is my main pic on that site. this is my secondary pic. i chose the smoking pic to be the main one because, well, i'm very upfront about the fact that i smoke. i smoke. i drink. i'm sarcastic. if you don't like it, you can fuck the fuck off. anyway. so after i tell my friend that, no, i do not have any conquests, he goes on to tell me i'd get some dick if i got a trendy haircut and had a main pic that didn't show me smoking. and that's when i decided that this asshole and i were no longer friends. first of all, trendy haircut? wtf? i'm not a trendy person. and what the fucking fuck is a "trendy" haircut, anyway? my haircut suits me. i like the shaved head with long bangs. it's me. and secondly, i've been smoking for 13 fucking years. i don't plan on quitting any time in the near fucking future. if guys don't like that, then they don't approach me. and that's that. and thirdly, i don't live to get laid. i know most men, and especially a lot of the gay men i've met over the years, are like that, but i'm not. and maybe that's why i talk about sex a lot since i'm obviously not getting it. but i'd rather not have sex with a stranger that may be unfilling or regretful than have it. does that make sense?

anyway. time for sleep. i think.

*i use the quotations because he was originally a fuck buddy, but i couldn't stand him anymore. and not in a sexual way. but kind of as a person. so we stopped having sex and occasionally talk online where i'm passive-aggressive with him, and he's a jerk to me. but i kept talking to him because i thought he kind of understood where i was coming from in regards to gay culture. but after the conversation above, yeah, he's dead to me. completely.
**adam4adam isn't as "hook up" sitey as, say, manhunt. why i still go on the site, however, i do not know. i certainly never meet anyone on there. i guess part of me still has the idealism that i may find "the one" no matter where it is. and since i don't go to gay bars (and chain drive doesn't count, since it's more of a fetish bar, or at least it used to be and still seems to have the aura permeating it), this is the closest i get to that scenario that i'm comfortable with.

and while i'm bitching...

2008-09-21T20:33:00.000-05:00

i went to a party on friday night. i overheard that a couple of guys were going to head to chain drive. and i said "oh, chain drive." to which my friend's boyfriend responded with "ew, chain drive's filthy."

at that point, i wanted to say "oh really, little mister 22-year-old? chain drive is filthy? well, you know what, every time i've ever been to chain drive, the bathroom floors have been clean and not wet from an overflowing toilet, which i can't say about any of the times i've ever been to oilcan harry's or rain. every time i've ever been to chain drive, i haven't had to yell at people to get out of a much needed stall because they were too busy getting it on or snorting coke. sure, some times people have sex on the dark patio at chain drive. but you know what? no one fucking cares! sure, most of the guys that go to chain drive aren't dressed to impress and don't go to the gym three times a day. and you know what? no one fucking cares! and sure, i've seen leather daddies and bears there, and sure, some have bought me drinks, but you know what? those leather daddies and bears are super, super nice and don't have any pretention, unlike anyone i've ever encountered at oilcan harry's or rain, who pretty much give me the 'you don't belong here' stare the entire time i'm there. so yeah, chain drive is filthy. grow up."

instead, i didn't say anything, and just went back inside for another drink. i think. whatever.

is it so much to ask for...

2008-09-21T20:18:00.002-05:00

having a shitty weekend, and how does the shitty weekend end? my dryer fucking dryteases me, for one. i've been having issues with my dryer since the first time i tried to use it. but i haven't complained about it because i have all these quarters, and the community dryer is right outside my door. but today, i thought i'd test it while starting some laundry. and praise hephaestus, it worked. of course, once i put wet clothes in there, not so fucking much. on top of that, someone has been monopolizing the community dryer for the better part of the last four hours. so now i have two wet loads of laundry with no way to dry them.

then, when i was having my morning coffee today, i noticed i was almost out of sugarcubes. so i tell myself i'll go get some later. so fast forward to 8 p.m., when i finally decide to venture out of my apt. i go to h-e-b. all out of sugarcubes. now, i could get regular sugar and spoon it in, but i'm set in my fucking ways. spooning in sugar is fucking russian roulette for me. it's either too sweet or not sweet enough. with my sugarcubes, i always know exactly how much is good enough for me. so fine, i decide to get the fuck out of dodge and go to the nearest randalls. only they don't even carry sugarcubes anymore! at that point i tell myself i'm stupid for having driven all the way to randalls when i should've checked out the fiesta right across I-35 from the h-e-b i was at.

so now i'm home and angrily writing about all this. fuck off.

another car problem? has it been three weeks already?

2008-09-07T20:23:00.003-05:00

yeah. so today, after i had showered and was ready to go to h-e-b to do a bit of grocery shopping, i noticed my car was a bit lopsided. and sure enough, i had a flat. then it dawned on me. this flat means having to take my car in to a garage on monday. and three weeks ago on this monday (tomorrow, some call it), i had to take my car to a garage because it wouldn't turn on. and three weeks before that, i had to take my car to a garage because my check engine light came on. hmm. wonder what will be wrong with my car in another three weeks. the suspense is killing ... my checking account.

holy fucking hell

2008-07-31T07:40:00.003-05:00

i'm moving today!

ok, sure, it is just to the apartment complex next door. and it is the apartment right behind mine. (i can look into my new living room from my current bedroom.)

except ... i can't start moving until around 4. and i'm not done packing. and i couldn't take any time off from work today because it's been a hellish week. (and like a billion people are already out this week.)

mando head splode. SPLODE!

general updatiness

2008-07-25T18:25:00.002-05:00

so, it's been a while. here's the general round up.

i went full-time again at the new old job. my first official day was last monday. so it's been two weeks now. it's going all right. feeling appreciated, generally liking everyone, blah blah blah. so yeah.

found a new place. actually, it's in the apartment complex right next to mine. and it's the apartment adjacent to mine. i look from my bedroom window into the new apartment's bedroom window. the current tenent has to be out the same day i'm set to move in. it'll be ... interesting, to say the least. but it's bigger, and the only bill i have to pay for is my electricity. and it has a gas stove and a washer and dryer.

went on a date on wednesday. it went all right. the guy is maybe too nice. but i felt like i had to hold up way too much of the conversation. and like i had to make every decision during the date. and, you know, i do that enough at work. i'll give him another date, but don't really see it going past that.

estelle getty died. thank her for having been a friend.

um, i think that covers the gist of it. more later. probably.

"he has his father's eyes"

2008-06-29T20:23:00.002-05:00

growing up, it was kind of a running joke in my family that i was rosemary's baby. mostly because my mom's name is rosemary, and i am the baby of the family. it made more sense when i hit adolescence and became a hellion.

anyway. i can't remember if i ever saw rosemary's baby as a kid. i was aware, however, that rosemary's baby was, in fact, a satanspawn. when i got a little older, it really made me wonder why my parent's would associate me with such since i was pretty much a calm, non-aggressive child. but hey, it does lend some credence to my sense of humor, eh?

when i did finally watch rosemary's baby in high school, it made me wonder more about my association with the title character. and it furthered my own personal opinion that all elderly neighbors are secretly evil. (i'm looking at you, mrs. gannon, and the casareses, as well.) but i think i ended up thinking more about having sex with john cassavetes. and it also made me leery of smoothies.

it's still one of my favorite movies, though.

i went to see it at the paramount tonight, and it was good right from the beginning, mostly because as i was in line and about to buy a ticket, a nice couple came up to me and gave me a free ticket. maybe it was that initial kindness, or maybe it was being able to see the flick on the big screen in an actual theater, but when i walked out, i was grinning and happy. probably not a usual reaction to a horror movie.

anyway. that's all. and don't call me adrian.

the first thing i heard at work today

2008-06-25T20:43:00.000-05:00

as i walked in the door at 8:30-ish in the ante meridiem, our interactive director, getting coffee, says, "i was wearing that exact morrissey shirt when i first met my wife."

i knew there was a reason i liked the guy. which means i'll probably like his wife (and kids).

later on in the day, he said, "right now, i just think the client wants to shit this e-mail out." and i said, "my ears! i'm offended. i'm telling [our h.r. lady]!" everyone in his office laughed out loud and he said, between laughs, "you've said worse than that!"

it's true. i have. did you read my last post?

so ... yeah. the new old job is going all right. i've gotten over all the initial awkwardness and actually feel like i fit in again. i think it's mostly from all the praise and recognition of my hard work. maybe too hard work. i worked 14-hour days monday and tuesday, and 10 hours today. most of monday was done doing HTML production, something i'm not there to do, because we were extremely short handed with two people out in interactive, and, well, work needed to be done. but now it seems like, if i do go full time (which i'm surprised the h.r. lady hasn't had "the talk" with me about yet), like i may have to give up the proofing side, because project/traffic management has essentially taken up all my time. but, you know, me = control freak. if i do give up the proofing/editing side, i'm going to need to be involved in the hiring process, and we can't just hire the first ass that applies. unless they're uber-qualified, but that wasn't the case with my last replacement.

gah.

i'm mising my delivery job. well, not the job itself, but the people. and the easy access to pot.

ok, i think that's all, really, for an update right now. need to eat. or, beer. hard decision.

sexual fetishes i spoke of at work today

2008-06-24T23:47:00.002-05:00

golden showers
bestial golden showers
voyeurism
auto-erotic asphyxiation
furries
felching
rimming (not so much a fetish)
cleveland steamers

also file under: i work here how?

this also follows how, last week, i said this: "i have reviewing fever! it burns. but not like when i pee and have gonorrhea." and when i said that last sentence, our h.r. lady walked up, heard, laughed, and walked away.

on another note, it's tuesday, and i've already worked 28 hours. in two days. overtime much?

cheers

2008-06-05T23:29:00.001-05:00

tonight, when i went to nasty's, i was greeted with "hello, mister armando," from the door guy. then, i had a brief conversation with the bartender about her going to see new kids on the block (on tour) in october. which resulted in me getting a free drink. yeah. i think i am now, officially, a regular. and i like it.

eat it.

is it sad...

2008-06-03T08:01:00.001-05:00

that i've realized i have to quit my delivery job?

more on that later.

how does that even make sense?

2008-06-02T20:17:00.003-05:00

so i got a letter in the mail from the IRS today . it says that i am totally getting an "economic stimulus payment". uuuuuuummmmmm, why? especially when i owe you, the IRS, money. money that i didn't have to pay you back in april. money that i had to apply for an installment plan to pay back to you, and that i still, in fact, owe you more than $400. so, even though i owe you money, you're giving me money that, according to you, i don't have to even report on my 1040 next year.

uuummm.

you're an idiot, IRS. you're like my dad, when he lent his stoner buddies money.

a good way to annoy the fuck out of me, part 2

2008-06-02T20:05:00.002-05:00

let's say you're an account executive at an advertising/marketing agency. you get this rush job that the client wants done in as short an amount of time as possible. and said rush job is for 47 different countries. and you know that the base we're going off of hasn't been touched in about a year, so that makes you realize that, say, some things have changed. so when you kick this job over to interactive, you make sure that you acknowledge all the changes that have been made in terminology since this job was last worked on, and you hand that over with all the translated copy and accurate links.

perfect world, right?

what you shouldn't do is come over on a friday with 47 job jackets with TBA all over the schedules, tell me and the other traffic manager to plot out the time for a week of what your "dedicated resources" will be working on, tell us to come up with the schedule, but only factoring in the work for your client, and then after you've seen 12 of the e-mails built out midday monday, say that a certain functionality needs to be taken out of the HTML because someone else is blasting these e-mails through a different client, then after you've seen a couple more realize that, hey, we need to add addresses and reorder some footer links, thus creating triple the work because the "change orders" were as vague as possible and raised more questions then they answered.

fuck.

translating is hard, y'all

2008-06-01T23:12:00.002-05:00

so lately i've been doing a lot of trying to translate songs while i'm singing them. it hasn't worked so well, because me talk spanish day some pretty. i've been doing this for weeks, people, and just yesterday remembered the spanish word for room (or at least what i think is the spanish word), so now i can sing some of "in your room" by the bangles correctly ("en tu cuarto", and even that probably isn't the right translation, because tu and su always fucked me up).

another problem i come up with is that one syllable words in english are usually more than one syllable in spanish. and, plus, i find myself with the problem of deciding in my head whether i should do a literal translation or a proper translation, which is the difference between "kool thing" by sonic youth becoming "fresca cosa" or "cosa fresca". or i find myself singing in english and spanish, because for the life of me, i can't remember the spanish word for sitting, so, still using "kool thing" as an example, the line "kool thing, sitting with the kitty" is sung by me as "cosa fresca, sitting con el gattito".

the one line i seem to get right is "i am not your senorita" from "raspberry swirl" by tori amos, which i now almost instinctively sing as "no soy tu senorita."

yeah. it's a good thing no one is ever in my car with me when i'm doing this.

a good way to annoy the fuck out of me

2008-06-01T23:07:00.002-05:00

let's say you make an order for delivery. and you have roommates, who are in your apartment as you are placing your order. fucking ask them if they'd like something, too, and combine it with your order. or, you know, place separate orders, but then call said place you're getting delivery from and see if there's any way possible for them to come together. if you did that, i would totally take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.

but ... if you don't do the above, and in fact, you order, then 15 minutes later, your roommate(s) order, and i have to go back to dispatch central after i've delivered your order only to find out that i have to go pick up food from the same fucking place i was just at and delivering to the exact fucking place i just came back from. yeah. fuck you.

fucked. up.

2008-05-21T10:46:00.003-05:00

i've been really rather clumsy lately when it comes to food and drink, with stains becoming more and more prominent on my clothes. every time one of these instances happen (like just a few minutes ago when i some coffee splashed on my shirt), i say "¡aye, mina!" it's an idiosyncrasy/inside joke of my family's, referencing my maternal grandmother, who was always grandma mina. (although, in hindsight, i don't know why she wasn't just grandma. my paternal grandmother, known as grandma cano, died when i was a baby. and my dad's grandmother was just known as lady j.) "¡aye, mina!" comes from the fact that, well, grandma mina was always clumsy with food and drink and often had stains on her clothes, but man, she made the best gorditas. at some point, the saying just evolved to apply to anyone in the family who stained their clothes via food or drink.

ok, tangent over, i was trying to remember what mina was short for. so i went to my hometown paper's website and looked up her obit. (her name, by the way, was maria del pilar guillermina añorga salinas; isn't that kind of a rocking name?) while looking at her obit, i noticed something: the name of an ex's father.

one of my ex-boyfriend's father's was a pallbearer at my grandmother's funeral!

do you know what that means? that means my ex-boyfriend was probably at my grandmother's funeral! and i didn't even know him yet!

and of course, it only took me 15 years since the funeral and nine years since that ex and i broke up to realize this. (i previously realized that this particular ex's mother was one of the nurse's that helped deliver me when i was born, as her name is on my birth certificate. also, i know this particular ex lives in austin, too, so now that i've realized all this, i'm sure i'm going to be tripping over him some time soon.)

so yeah. fucked. up.

right?

omfg

2008-05-19T14:23:00.001-05:00

i don't have to work at my delivery job from tuesday to friday. i have a friday night off, people! do you know what that means? well? do you?!?!

come drink with me! somewhere.

please?

holy crap, the upfronts are here!

2008-05-12T13:37:00.002-05:00

this week! nbc is today! blerg! i'll cobble some shit together later and for the rest of the week. but don't expect a new logo; i'll just recycle last year's.

ok. more later. must pretend to look busy at "work". well, i guess you could say i could look busy by writing about the upfronts, but all those lolcats aren't going to look at themselves, you know.

give up

2008-05-10T13:42:00.002-05:00

since i moved into my apartment in '05, i've had conservatory efforts. i don't have a microwave. i recycle. i walk to places instead of drive (that's mostly because of my extremely convenient neighborhood). and every year, when it starts to get hot again, i tell myself, ok, i'm not going to turn the a/c on until the end of may. and every year, like clockwork, i give up by mid-may.

i gave up last night. after having a particularly sweaty delivery shift (and that was with my car's a/c on pretty high; i should probably look in to that) and then chain smoking and drinking on the patio at chain drive, well, i'd had enough of the heat.

it's not even mid-may yet! i gave up extra early this year.

such. a. pussy.

"that's my virgin alarm; it's set to go off before you do"

2008-05-10T01:25:00.002-05:00

on a different note, anyone in austin wanna go with me to the spaceballs: the quote-along? considering on how well you know me, you know that i practically know heathers and spaceballs line for line. so if anyone is game, drop me a line.

"i ain't never going anywhere"

2008-05-10T00:52:00.003-05:00

tonight, after my delivery shift, i thought it would be a good idea to go to chain drive and have a couple of thinks to unwind. it's become almost a ritual for me, since i almost always work friday night shifts.

so i go, completely unassuming, because i never run into anyone i know there. and yet, as soon as i got my first lone star and went out to the main patio to do some chain smoking, i saw felipe.

a quick recap, felipe is this guy i met a while back, and i developed a crush on him (and thought that maybe it was reciprocal), and then that went all down hill when i asked him what he was doing for his birthday and he said that some guy he'd been kinda dating was taking him out to dinner.

i wrote about it, but i'm too lazy to link back to that.

anyway. i saw him there tonight. with his group of ridiculously goodlooking friends. and it made me wonder, how the fuck do i get attached to this ridiculously goodlooking unavailable men? how is it that i get into these situations where i meet ridiculously goodlooking men, and i become their friends?

and then i realized something that i already knew. i'm a lisa kudrow. i'm a joan cusack. i'm a bonnie hunt*. while i may sometimes get the limelight for a short amount of time, i will always be just the cute best friend. i will always be relegated to supporting cast.

i've always kinda known this. and it goes with my nature. i always want the limelight, but when i'm actually in it, i'm incredibly uncomfortable. i want to be the center of attention, but i hate it when i am. it's the overly self-critical part of me.

i know i had some way to relate this back to the few bands i've been in, and other stuff, but daddy's a little drunk.

back to felipe. we saw each other on the patio. i know we noticed each other. but nothing came of it. so after my last drink, i thought, ok, now i can make a quick getaway.

no such luck. he caught me right as i was walking out the front door, and, i don't know. i often wonder to myself, what the hell do these ridiculously goodlooking men that i somehow befriend think of me? i mean, really? they all know that i have or have had crushes on them. i mean, because these guys aren't just lookers, they're smart, too. i mean, felipe had to have noticed that communication between us pretty much came to a halt after he mentioned the whole "guy i've kinda been dating" thing, right? am i too subtle? because that's something i've never ever been accused of.

anyway. felipe and i had an awkward catching up after the awkward hug he initiated. there's some art/music show that some of his work is going to be displayed at tomorrow, which he texted me about a while back, to which i almost immediately responded with a "i don't think i'll be able to make it." the truth of the matter is, i didn't want to go, because of the awkwardness in me. i've seen felipe's myspace page. i've seen his friends. and tonight, i saw them in person. i would not fit in in that crowd. and plus, the only person i would've known there would've been him. and i'm not good around new people, especially a bunch of ridiculously goodlooking men who would probably be wondering "who invited this ug-oh?" so i told him i was working. whatever. it's not like he really cares.

and i mean, really. gah. i think i need to continue drinking and watch showgirls. maybe that will lull me out of this self-loathing i'm in right now. double gah.

*"You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout Cookie." --heather chandler

iron man

2008-05-07T22:37:00.002-05:00

just got back from seeing iron man with michael. oh my, i did not expect to like the movie that much. in fact, you could say i heart that movie. here are my thoughts, in bullet form:

robert downey jr = tony stark. so. completely.
i hate gwyneth paltrow a little less now, because i quite enjoyed her pepper potts
although, i had to suspend quite a bit of belief that she could run as fast as she did in those stilettos
loved iron monger
loved the allusion to war machine with rhodey
loved the allusion to the mandarin
loved that agent and how he kept spelling out s.h.i.e.l.d. (although i don't know how i feel about homeland replacing hazard, but i guess it makes some sense in the current state of the world)
don't know about them using ultimate nick fury, but it sure beats hasselhoff

fucked. up.

2008-05-04T14:39:00.002-05:00

so i've been looking at apartments online, preparing for the eventual conclusion that i will be moving. but shit is fucking expensive, y'all, especially if i want to stay in my terribly convenient neighborhood.

but here's the real fucked up shit. every now and then, i look at my landlord's website to see the current vacancies. um, so apartments in my little complex are currently going for ... $699?!?!?! that's a huge fucking increase in what they were going for just three months ago, and yet still $120 more than what i pay for rent.

head. splode.

someone ...

2008-05-01T19:02:00.001-05:00

is listening to '80s music really, really loudly at my apartment complex. is this retaliation to my listening to kate bush really loudly? i didn't think it was that loud? i couldn't even hear it outside my apartment, unlike my retaliator. oy.

even more reason why i, and you, need to go to the new alamo downtown

2008-04-30T16:02:00.003-05:00

they have a liquor license!!! um, is it bad that i really want to drink scotch and watch iron man? (the answer: no, it's only logical.)

does it mean something ...

2008-04-30T13:54:00.001-05:00

the fact that i got a migraine yesterday and today, and i haven't had one since i last worked for my new old job? that means something, right?

so ...

2008-04-28T18:06:00.003-05:00

i can get a million e-mails from the IT guy at the new old job about shit that doesn't pertain to me (such as e-mail signatures and other shit like that i don't have to do because i don't really work there), but i can't get access to the motherfucking server or a PC that's set up for me.

today, i did all of five minutes of work. i was there for four hours. my "boss" seemed upset when i asked her if i could leave, and i said, um, i'm a contractor, and i'm sure corporate (now that there is a corporate) probably wouldn't appreciate me billing them for me sitting on my ass and not doing what i'm actually supposed to be doing because there's nothing for me to do. she said i shouldn't worry about that and bring a book. riiiiiiiiiiight. because when i first started there back in '05, the owner expressed concern to my boss about me reading at my desk, so my boss told me to not read a book at my desk because it's freaking out the owner.

also, what freaking company would give an independent contractor carte blanch on billing downtime?

the funny thing is, every time i tell somebody that i'm worried about all my downtime, because i've had a lot, is something along the lines of "well, the old proofer always just sat and did nothing," to which i always respond with "yeah, but he was full time; i'm a contractor. significant difference."

going back to my non-server-accessing computers at work, the traffic guy IMed me today, once i got home, and asked if the IT guy had fixed my computers. i said a very blunt "no". then he said he e-mailed the IT guy about it. right. that's going to fix everything. because the fact that my "boss", the hr lady, and the AE that's the CEO's daughter have all complained about it to him, no, you doing, mr. traffic and my fellow independent contractor, you e-mailing him is going to get it done. why didn't i think about that before?!?! omfg!

yeah. they're going to be lucky if i don't sever this contract before the three-month mark, because i already feel like jumping ship. no mixed metaphors. gah.

my day in numbers, aka putting things into perspective

2008-04-27T18:43:00.003-05:00

i worked 7 hours today. i made 31 orders.

that's 8 more orders than my 6-hour shift last night.

that's 2 more orders than the double shift (11 hours) i worked last saturday.

and apparently, when i was still at the 27 mark at 5 p.m., the other driver on had done half as many orders as me.

gah. now it's time to drink 6 beers.

on another note, if i made a shirt that reads "i am not naturally evil", would any one get that it's a morrissey lyric?

one down, one to go

2008-04-26T23:14:00.004-05:00

woot! i got my paycheck from my delivery job! apparently, it was at the owner's house. yay! now i can pay my rent. and ... that's about all. well, and pay for gas for my shifts tomorrow and tuesday night.

one situation taken care of. i still kinda wanna stage my work-from-home in.

hmm ...

also

2008-04-26T16:02:00.003-05:00

is it bad if i "strike" until i get paid at both my jobs? when i go in to my delivery job at 5, if i still don't have a check there, i've decided i'm going to put up a note asking people to take my shifts this week because i'm broke and didn't get paid.

as for the new old job, i think it'll depend on what i hear from the hr lady tomorrow. in the past, contractors got paid out on fridays after submitting invoices on monday. i have no idea if that's changed since the company was acquired, and if my invoice has to get approved by corporate or if my check will now come from corporate. so essentially, what i hear tomorrow will decide if i stage a work-from-home in or not. if i have to wait 30 days, which is a fear i have, yeah, i'm totally working from home, because that's bull to the shit.

and plus, again, i'm fucking broke. i don't even have half of my rent, and the first of the month is, um, thursday.

anyone have any advice?

cornuts

2008-04-26T15:59:00.002-05:00

usually, i sing in the shower. today, i recited scenes from heathers. there was just something about washing my hair (what little i have) while saying aloud "it'll give her shower-nozzle-masturbation material for weeks" that felt right.

ha.

free show

2008-04-26T13:34:00.002-05:00

spotted: last night at the continental to see the horsies and pong. me. i was a little silly (read: drunk-ish). besides running into natalie, camille, and maggie, i ran into michael, which made sense since he was the one that told me about the show. michael, also drunk. and like clockwork, whenever michael and i have been drinking and are at a show, some dancing and making out occurs. it just happens. we'll be standing next to each other, i'll notice in my periphery that he's looking at me, i'll look up at him, he's smiling, i smile, then before i know it, free show. i hope the people around us didn't mind. heh.

oy.

lovely. fucking lovely.

2008-04-25T15:53:00.001-05:00

i didn't get a paycheck at either job today.