so i'm drunk and a little depressed right now. so yeah. i went to san antonio today, and got a little pep talk from tanya. see, i go through these phases sometimes that involve me becoming very antisocial and basically pushing away everyone. well, i noticed that i was starting to go through that again, and i don't want to go through that again because it always just leaves me in a very fucking bad way and i hate it, and i don't need to put myself through that very unhealthy behavior. but i still really need to bitch. so here goes the bitching:
so here it is; how i am totally unlike every other person my age ...
I WANT A FUCKING FULL-TIME, STABLE JOB!
that's right. i want a job that i want to be at until i retire. i hate instabilty. i hate being unemployed. i hate that i can't find a job because my work experience is so fucking secluded to one fucking portion of an industry that i'm pretty sure i don't want to work for anymore. it's not that i hate newspapers, it's just that i HATE working for them. i've worked for newspapers professionally for longer than i like to admit. while i have made some friends from my several newspaper jobs, i can honestly say i don't ever want to work for a newspaper again. i hate the hypocrisy of working for the media. and i usually hate most of the people that work for papers. people that work for papers have these fucking egos that they can barely keep in their pants. i have no ego. well, i have an ego (who doesn't), but i keep it in my pants. hell, i keep my ego in a box somewhere under my bed just because i hate talking about my past work experience because i don't think it's relevant to anything i do now. and because i have extremely low self-esteem. and i'm very self-deprecatory (is that a word? it is now ...). what makes things even worse is that the temp job i just finished WAS the job that i saw myself retiring at, but i guess i have to alter that perception.
i'm sorry. but it seems like i've always known what i wanted, and the fact that what i want right now and what i have in experience don't match up doesn't compute in my head, and it confuses and hurts me. and plus i have this little voice in the back of my head telling me i should take a little trip up to indiana just so i can finally get a certain someone out of my head once and for all. especially since his birthday is coming up. sigh.
see, if i had a full-time job, i wouldn't have time to think about this bullshit running through my head. gah. i'm going to go scream now. and i think i need a drink ...
ok, end of bitching. now i just need to get over my phobia of calling people up so i can actually leave my apartment. i feel like i may be able to do that now. sigh. i guess we'll only see. i just need to STOP being so fucking neurotic. it's not attractive. it's not healthy. i need to stop obsessing over straight guys that i will never get to be with. i just need to live. i just need to move on and get a life. let's see how it goes ...
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