sigh ... meh

So I'm back at work today and was greeted by a huge stack of work that was basically untouchable and left me wondering why I was even supposed to look at it if I couldn't really change anything, and it made me a little (read: very, very, fucking very) mad. Seriously. I don't understand why I need to read something and go over corrections that I can't fix even if they're wrong. It makes no fucking sense to me. And I'm sure it raises my blood pressure.

After the initial phase of anger (and several e-mails to my supervisor, who is not in today), I got a little down. I don't know. This job either makes me really angry or really depressed. I mean, I keep on getting reassured that things are going to change with the one client that causes us so much trouble, but I've been hearing that for almost seven months now, and the only thing that has changed is that people have quit, people have been hired, and things with the client have gotten worse. And I can't do anything about it. I can't fix things. I can't do my job. And when I do my job, oftentimes it's overruled by the client. It makes me wonder why I have this job in the first place, and then comes the overwhelming depressing feeling.

I don't know. The whole working here thing makes me feel useless, and there're probably worse ways to feel, but feeling useless feels pretty shitty. And that's how I feel almost every day that I'm here. I do things that aren't in my job description, and people don't thank me or even use what I've made, so it makes me wonder why I made it in the first place. And it makes me feel useless. When I can't fix things that are wrong, I feel useless. When my changes get changed back to be wrong, I feel useless. When I'm told to keep something wrong, I feel useless. When my frustrations are voiced and nothing is done about it, I feel worthless.

The only thing really keeping me here is the fact that I need money and there're no other jobs that I'm qualified for elsewhere right now. And the freelance work is pretty dry right now. I'm also feeling really down because I just spent a lot of money on my car and oral surgery last week, and now it seems like I might have to pay a pretty penny to the IRS, which I've never had to do before, and it's not like I have so much money, you know? Gah.

Everything just seems to be getting my down lately. All I want to do is drink myself to sleep every night, but I know not to do it, so I guess that's a good sign. But I keep relegating myself to solitude. I don't go out. I don't see my friends (not that I have so many and I've probably ruined several). But then again, it's not like I'm so fun to be around. I complain a lot. I know this. I've been told this. I'm a downer. And it's hard for me not to do it when that's all I surround myself with. I keep thinking things would be different if I didn't keep to myself so much, but I don't know. I can't see alternate timelines where I do things differently and see the outcomes.

Anyway. I should get back to pretending to do something conducive to work, but we all know that nothing here at my job is conducive to work. Gah. I need a smoke.