"if there are two things i know for sure, it's that animals like snacks and boys eat a lot"

note: i tried to publish this yesterday, but blogger was being all up with its douchebaggery. so i've edited to reflect that it is now sunday and other stuff has happened since. just an FYI for you, dear readers. enjoy.

i bought the audio book for i like you: hospitality under the influence saturday. i've listened to two discs and started the third disc today, and i have decided that i must now live my life and write and talk as if it all will be on an audio book spoken by amy sedaris. and i have to learn how to say "sidebar" the way she does.

i went to fiesta saturday in search of junk food and realized that everytime i go to fiesta, it's a very bipolar experience for me. it makes me happy because it reminds me of when i was little and my family would go to the mexican grocery stores in matamoros. and i remember finding them some how fascinating because they were so different yet so similar to the grocery stores in brownsville. and while i remember it being exciting, i also remembered it being nerve-wracking for me, too, because i couldn't speak spanish*. i think it was in those early, formative years that i first discovered how to selectively hear. but oh yeah, back to fiesta, i think yesterday was the first time i had noticed there's an autoparts store in the same little shopping center as the fiesta. i've lived near and gone to that fiesta for over a year now and just now noticed that autoparts store. man, i need to take the blinders off once in a while, eh?

why can't you find plain stuff anymore? i went to h-e-b saturday in search of cranberry juice. plain fucking cranberry juice. (and i don’t know why i'm so surprised by what i found because it happens everytime.) i found apple cranberry, grape cranberry, lite cranberry juice, i'm sure some other damn mixes, and what i eventually gave in and bought — cranberry blend. the label assures me it's 100-percent juice; however, lower on the same label in much smaller type, it informs me that this is cranberry-flavored juice is blended with two other juices from concentrate with added ingredients. hmmm. that doesn’t sound like 100-percent juice to me. and now, upon further inspection after having opened and already made a drink with this "cranberry blend", i see that the ingredients are filtered water, grape juice concentrate, cranberry juice and cranberry juice concentrate, apple juice concentrate, "natural flavors", and some acids. so, really, what i bought was grape-apple-cranberry juice when all i wanted was cranberry juice and was duped by a label that said "cranberry blend". meh.

i wish i were as funny as the french and saunders gals. i saw a couple of their DVDs last night in my "cranberry blend" and vodka stupor. maybe i need to gain a ton of weight and get a sex change operation. on second thought, maybe i'll continue being an unfunny gayman.

there's two types of juices, to types of beers, two types of cheeses, two types of condiments, and two types of butter of in my fridge. it's not quite noah's arc, but what gives? and why don't i have any good hangover food in this place? you'd think it'd be a requirement to live here.

(*sidebar: when i was born, my parents decided to not teach me spanish because they had with my other siblings and they ended up in ESL classes for several years. so they taught me english only. which caused problems right off the bat because my maternal grandmother only spoke spanish, and she babysat me a lot. my parents would yell at me something in spanish and get mad that i didn't understand what they were saying to me. ditto with the siblings. over the years, i learned enough to get by, but by the time it got to taking spanish in high school, i got stuck in the "spanish as a second language" class. i can't decide if that's irony or karma. don't even ask about spanish in college.)