who's a hungry hippo?

of late i've been trying to lose weight again. it's a wishy-washy system with me. and i don't ever do it real well or put much effort into it. it all goes back to my being a walking, talking eating disorder and how i don't really take care of myself or watch what i eat. well, i watch what i eat because of the whole vegetarian thing. but, you know, i end up being lazy and eating lots of crap, like a dinner of cheesey tator tots. and then there's the drinking.

at one point i tried to convince myself that i was comfortable with my added weight as i slowly stopped fitting into some of my favorite pants. i made no big deal when i had to stop buying size small shirts and "upgrade" to mediums. but i had this minor panic attack the other day when i realized that this pair of cords that i used to wear the shit out of but haven't worn in maybe four or five months no longer fit, and the last time i wore them i still had to wear a belt with them.

my weight has always been a kinda sore subject for me. i was always skinny growing up, mostly because i had to fend for myself eating-wise because parents were never around to make food. and then there was that nastyness with drugs and all in high school. once i started college, that's when things started to get wild. i used to go to the gym regularly at one point back in '98 and '99. i just don't have that in me anymore.

i know i'm not morbidly obese. i just need to lose about 20 pounds. i'd be happy with 10.

this weight gain is also a reason to hate my family more. they see it right to ridicule my weight gain. and it was exemplified this past christmas when i received some pajamas from my parents. the size: XL. and of course there's the calls when the first thing they'd say is "man, you've gained a lot of weight. your sister said you were huge when she last saw you, but man, she was being kind." and my family wonders why i don't take phone calls from them or return their e-mails regularly.

then there's my low self-esteem shirt. i have this pearl-button shirt that i call my low self-esteem shirt because that's how i could judge my weight. if i wore it, sat down, and the buttons would pop, i knew i had to lose weight. i branched out into another, slightly bigger pearl button shirt to avoid the LSE shirt. i'm wearing said shirt today, and buttons have popped.

you know, instead of writing about this, i could've been making a plan to lose this weight. but i'm not. and when i get home today, i'll probably have a dinner of cheesey tots followed by several beers and laying on the couch, then going to bed. tada?