maybe it was a sign

so there's this guy i've been talking to online for a little over a month now. it's been slightly flirty. and we've traded pics. tonight, i half-jokingly invited him over to my place for shiner and venture brothers. he'd already been drinking for a while. so he shows up at my place, drunk, and i think he's expecting sex. and he's kinda annoying. and i don't plan on putting out. oy. that dollar bill really was a sign. gah!

update (11:15 p.m.): yup, he was expecting sex. i should've guessed that when he asked if he could take a shower. (i didn't think much of it at the time because he said he's been staying with friends because his new apartment won't be ready to move into for a week and he had to be out of his old place at the end of october. i felt bad for the semi-homeless guy, having been homeless myself before. of course, being gay, i should've known better. grrr.) anyway. after his shower (and again telling him that no sex would be happening), we made out a little (my bad, really), and when i told him (for like the 10th time) no sex would be happening, he got all huffy and left. i told him right off the bat when i first invited him over that nothing sexual was going to happen, and yet here i am feeling like molotov cocktease.

and now i feel like i had this guy pegged all wrong. i mean, we've been talking online for a while now. and he seemed date-worthy. enough for me to want to meet him in person. but he was all hormones when he walked through my threshold. and he was annoying in person. and at one point, he even said the "b" word. which freaked me out quite a bit. and it wasn't prefaced by "if you're ever" or something to make it hypothetical. oy. i need something stronger than beer right now.

update (11:30 p.m.): and you know, that's the fucking problem with most gay men. well, the ones that find me attractive, anyway. (or all of them, who fucking knows. i'm so fucking angry right now.) you know, i don't think with my dick 24 x 7. if i'm gonna sleep with a guy, i want to get to know him and date him first. i'm so sick and tired of the anonymous sex bullshit. i mean, sure, i'll admit to having had the anonymous fuck in the past, but it's so meaningless. sure, you get off, but where's the affection? the companionship?

and i know i shouldn't talk, because dar was just supposed to be another anonymous fuck, and then we went on to have a fucked up relationship. i just, is it so hard to find a guy that wants to date and take it slow and doesn't mind not having sex until you know it's going to mean something? i mean, i know it's hard to find that in the straight world, but it seems even harder to find it in the gay world because all gaymen seem to be obsessed with sex and abs you can wash your clothes on. and i'm sick. i'm so fucking sick of it all.

all i want is a guy that understands this. a guy that i can go on a date with. who i can talk to about books. (not comic books, though; i've given up on finding a fellow gay comic book geek.) who i can talk to about music and history and random bullshit like queen victoria, the alleged names of caligula's gladiator lovers, and the black plague. and the sedaris family. which makes my current, unattainable crush all the more crushing. oy.

and is it ironic that i'm currently watching the virginity episode of strangers with candy?

update (12:39 a.m.): ok, so i just checked my e-mail and he sent me a one-word e-mail. the word: flake. what the frakking frak?!?! i'm a flake for not having sex with him after repeatedly telling him i wouldn't? what frakking ever. if i were tracy quartermaine, i'd eviscerate him with words. but i'm not. so i'll just purge him like the legacy virus. oy.