today's given me this overwhelming feeling of being the stupidest person on earth (and caused me to listen to the aimee mann song that is titled the same as this post numerous times).i know i'm not all that stupid. but sometimes it feels that way. i've taken on a couple of projects at work that go beyond my normal work requirements, and they've been slowly wearing me down.
today was kind of the breaking point.
it brought back all sorts of bad memories, and i held back most of them (although i did have to leave the office a couple of times for crying jags). but the point is that i felt stupid. i kept on asking questions, nothing stuck, and it made me feel bad.
i'm a bastion of knowledge; many have referred to me as such. when i forget stuff, it makes me neurotic. because that's not like me. i don't forget shit. i can remember client changes from this time last year and shit that changed in the AP stylebook back in 2000 and the reason my parents didn't talk to me for almost the entirety of 1995 and the name of the guy (xavier) that made my friend crystal (back in '98) get out of my car so he could check her out before allowing us to park and attend a party and how we later found out he worked at a whataburger. so when i can't grasp that something i just learned not too long ago is wrong or wrong-ish, it makes me doubt my skills. and when it causes a kerfuffle at work, it makes me doubt myself even more.
maybe this has just been the cherry on the icing that has been a not-so-great week. well, i lie, i guess. this week so far has been good in one aspect that i've opened up to a couple of co-workers that i really do consider friends. and that makes me feel better in one sense that at least a couple of people understand how i feel and feel the same way sometimes. maybe part of it is that yesterday i almost asked out hot gig (just so i could get the rejection over with already), but i didn't because i almost did it via IM (which is so impersonal), and i typed him a semi-flirty/mostly complimentary complement, to which he responded positively (or politely, more than likely) and i was typing "so what are you doing for dinner tomorrow night?" and then deleted it and closed the window and got depressed about it because, as maggie estep said best, i'm an emotional idiot.
but that's just one tangental thing. i just hate when i forget stuff that i just learned. it makes me feel inadequate. and now i'm home, drinking wine of all things (the brand pictured above), and just depressed. i think because on top of everything, my supervisor said she was gonna recommend that i not do anymore traffic stuff for a while. which i guess is good, but i kinda enjoy it. it's just been today (ok, this week) that's been bad.
and i guess i just feel bad because i know i'm doing a good job with my projects, and people have told me such, and i know it's all just in my head and the stereotypical virgo/perfectionist bullshit, and nothing is ever good enough for me. (and maybe "nothing is good enough" would've been a better aimee mann song to reference. and maybe that is more appropriate. it seems like i'm always trying to subotage myself.)
maybe it's just always something (with me), as roseanne roseannadanna would say. maybe i should just let go and go with the flow, as they say (who "they" are, i don't know; i'd never say such a thing; oh, wait, i just did).
i'd love to be a person that just lets everything go and doesn't over-analyze anything (and everything) and is OK with not remembering every little single thing and can nonchalantly ask a guy out and not worry about the inevitable rejection aspect and, just, i don't know, live, but it seems that if i could do that, it just wouldn't be me.
but maybe that's the point, eh?
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