movies i'll never see

1. titanic
back in high school, i made this pact with my then-friend lucy that neither of us would ever see titanic. we were both so sick of hearing all about it, hated leonardo dicaprio, and quite frankly, the more we heard about it, the more we wished it was tangible so we could date it and then brutally beat it. then lucy started dating a guy, and he liked it (hello, gay much!), and she watched it with him because he was her first boyfriend and blah blah blah. a few years later, we stopped being friends. i still haven't seen it, and i still have no reason to. if i start dating a guy and he wants me to see it, i may have to break things off with said hypothetical man-date.

2. napoleon dynamite
i can't remember where things went wrong with this movie. i remember wanting to watch it. then i remember being bombarded with people asking me if i had watched it. the fact that most of the people i heard this from were fratty asses and sororihos i had classes with in college made me doubt that. then people started quoting the shit out of it. now i just want no part of it whatsoever. it may be a great movie, but no thanks; i'm sick of it already.

3. any biographical movie
i like johnny cash. the only movie i've really liked reese witherspoon in was election. and the only movie i liked that joaquin phoenix was in was space camp, and that's when he was a kid and his name was still leaf. so i have no reason to want to watch tracy flick and max play june and johnny. so yeah, generally, i'll just stay away from any movie about someone i admire. i made that mistake with sylvia, and there's not enough alcohol in the world to make me forget the 30 minutes i saw of that movie. and it's also why i will never watch jamie fucking foxx as ray charles. the only exception to this rule would have to be coal miner's daughter.

4. the brown bunny
if i want to see a blowjob, i know where to find some good gay porn. that's all i'll say on that subject.

5. swept away
the only movies that should exist that madonna "acts" in should be who's that girl and a league of their own. i learned my lesson with the other ones to know to stay far away from swept away. and i'd like to keep it that way. until, you know, i decide to get really stoned and watch it with glitter.

6. glitter
did anyone really watch this? i wouldn't even know where to look for this at i heart video, and i'd like to keep it that way.

and that's all i can think of right now. when i can think of others, well, i'll write about them then.