one of these days i'll frakking get to sleep

insomnia seems to be my thing on monday nights. i know i'm up way too late when i'm still awake when i receive the nytimes e-headlines (hint: it happens at 3 a.m.-ish every day).

lotsa stuff on my mind. need to lose weight. need to drink less. wasps on my patio. landlord done nothing about it. oh yeah, i got my lease renewal letter thing in the mail on saturday. that was weird, because last year they just stuck it on my door. shitty thing is, i don't want to live in this shitty apartment anymore, but i really don't have a choice. i can't afford to move, and even if i could, i wouldn't be able to get a place without a co-signer because i'm not making enough money right now. (oh, and if i stay, which is probably going to happen, my rent goes up $30. oy.)

and that's my fault. i quit my shitty job that was driving me insane with no one left there to help keep the insanity at bay. went back to freelancing. now i'm freelancing at a place that i need to keep tabs on how much downtime i have because too much downtime and corporate might axe me. which means i'm working less than 20 hours a week. which means that i'll barely be scraping by after i pay the bills and set aside what i have to pay in taxes since i'm self-employed and i don't have a lot i can write off. i can't even afford health insurance.

of course, now that i don't have health insurance for the first time in three years, i'm freaking out. i keep thinking all these things are wrong with me. in the past two months, i've thought i had kidney stones, diabetes, strep, the mumps, a urinary tract infection, etc. i've become hypochondriac boy, and i'm probably very close to thinking i have a yeast infection. (there's nothing really wrong with me, probably, besides my over-active brain and my teeth grinding and my psoriasis; i'm just freaking out.)

i wanted to have a small party at the end of the month, but i don't think i can swing that, financially speaking.

i put up two items on ebay to sell. one didn't sell. the other did, but it seems like the guy who bought it is flaking out on me. why did i even bother to sell something i should've just thrown out?

i keep getting big zits on the right side of my face near my jaw. yet the left side stays zit free. what the frak?

my seasonal affective disorder is starting to creep in a little. summer always depresses me because it's so frakking hot that all i wanna do is stay in. but then i stay in and away from the little bit of friends i have, and i get depressed. maybe it's more self-defeatism than SAD.

why do i always pick guys that are going to flake out on me? is it just that statistics are against me? i know they are. my mom's been married twice, and my dad three times. just like his dad. and his mom married twice. and my parents cheated on each other a lot. and my dad's dad cheated on my dad's mom with her best friend.

(on the other hand, my mom's parents were only ever married to each other, and when my mom's dad died, her mom never remarried or even dated another man. yet my mom still married twice. maybe statistics aren't everything.)

of my siblings, i have a half-sister who's been married twice, has four kids from three different fathers, and has been in and out of jail for most of her adult life. i have a half-brother who's been married once, although the marriage proved null and void when it turned out his wife was still married to her husband who was in jail for a major felony. he's since then only dated women that are close in age to our mother and who have several young children. i have another half-brother i've never met. and i have a sister who's happily married with a kid and another on the way.

my longest romantic relationships have not lasted longer than six months, and those who did last that long cheated on me several times, not counting the ones that were verbally abusive towards me (just like dear old dad ... and mom) and the couple that were slightly physically abusive.

on a related note, i haven't spoken to anyone in my family in several months, and i'm happy about that. i can't even remember the last time i spoke to anyone i share a bloodline with, and i rather enjoy it that way.

i'm no closer to getting to sleep now than i was when i started this post.

i miss being creative, but at the same time, i don't like the way i always put myself done for producing what i thought was pedestrian work. i'm always my own worst critic. (it stinks!)

over at zap2it, tv gal is having a poll, and i'm glad to see that paris gellar is being fairly well represented in the "character most deserving a spin-off" category. glad i'm not the only one who thinks that.

and that's enough of that.