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there's no worse phrase than "it's not you, it's me."

for the past couple of months, i've had this friend with benefits. it was supposed to be of the simpler, fuck buddy type of scenario, but, well, we ended up talking more and became friends. but the friends with benefits scenario never ends well. inevitably, someone ends up developing feelings on the other person, and things either move forward or come to a screeching halt.

guess which way mine's gone?

i can't remember when i started liking him. it may have been when we were talking about the idiot. or maybe the time we were making out and lush's "kiss chase" came on his itunes. or when we said showgirls was something everyone should see on christmas. i think it really dawned on me friday night when we were having a lolita double feature, and we were essentially thinking the same things at the same time and had exactly the same comments about everything, to the point we were actually finishing each other's sentences.

then we had what i like to call the meat purveyors jinx. see, the when i was dating dar, i took him to a meat purveyors show at hole in the wall. this was probably march '06. anyway. i took him to the show, introduced him to my friends that were there, and we had a great time. then we came back to my place, got into a huge fight, and, in my head, i kinda knew we weren't going to last much longer. and we didn't.

so now, let's fast forward to last night at hole in the wall for, you guessed it, the meat purveyors. my guy wasn't sure if he was going to be able to make it to the show or not because he works downtown and blah blah blah. anyway. i got there, and the first person i saw when i walked in was jo walston, and jo has this way of instantly making me happy just with her smile. we hugged, i got a beer, then i went to smoke out back and ran into some friends and sat down with them. then, like 5 minutes later, while i'm talking with my friend natalie, someone sits down next to me and touches my knee. it was my guy. and i proceeded to introduce him to my friends and blah blah blah. then we went in for the show, and it was great. we danced a little, and a couple of times, we just looked at each other which these huge grins on our faces because, well, it was the meat purveyors, and they're awesome, and he'd stoop down a little (because he's 6'3", and i'm short) and kiss me. and it made me feel nice and happy, and, well, it was kind of a perfect moment. so i knew something was going to go wrong.

after the show ended, he ran into an old friend who was there with his girlfriend who, coincidentally, live like four blocks away from me. and instead of going to the show's afterparty, we ended up going back to this couple's place to smoke out. the girlfriend drove with me because i didn't know where we were going. so we get to their place, and my guy and his old friend are there, and my guy says to the girlfriend "thank god you guys are here; i was going to pounce on this sexy guy." that was when i started to realize that my guy's old friend was really an old "friend". and the weird thing was, the couple kept on asking us couple questions, like my guy and i were "together". things went downhill from there, to the point where the old friend was asking me if it was ok for him to go down on my guy.

that was when i got the fuck out of there. and my heart broke a little. i kept on thinking to myself "why the fuck are you asking me if you can go down on him? it's not like he's my boyfriend. obviously. fuck." but i didn't say anything except for "yeah, go ahead, it's not my call. i'm gonna head out." the old friend could tell i was uncomfortable and jealous, and he even followed me out to try and prove me otherwise. blah.

then today, my guy e-mails me and asks if he "behaved badly" at the couple's apartment because he couldn't remember getting home. i told him what happened. he said he vaguely remembered that and remembered me leaving. then i just e-mailed back essentially saying "it's not you, it's me." because, honestly, better this get nipped in the bud now then, say, months from now when it'll be more devastating.

so yeah. i need a drink.