"i ain't never going anywhere"

tonight, after my delivery shift, i thought it would be a good idea to go to chain drive and have a couple of thinks to unwind. it's become almost a ritual for me, since i almost always work friday night shifts.

so i go, completely unassuming, because i never run into anyone i know there. and yet, as soon as i got my first lone star and went out to the main patio to do some chain smoking, i saw felipe.

a quick recap, felipe is this guy i met a while back, and i developed a crush on him (and thought that maybe it was reciprocal), and then that went all down hill when i asked him what he was doing for his birthday and he said that some guy he'd been kinda dating was taking him out to dinner.

i wrote about it, but i'm too lazy to link back to that.

anyway. i saw him there tonight. with his group of ridiculously goodlooking friends. and it made me wonder, how the fuck do i get attached to this ridiculously goodlooking unavailable men? how is it that i get into these situations where i meet ridiculously goodlooking men, and i become their friends?

and then i realized something that i already knew. i'm a lisa kudrow. i'm a joan cusack. i'm a bonnie hunt*. while i may sometimes get the limelight for a short amount of time, i will always be just the cute best friend. i will always be relegated to supporting cast.

i've always kinda known this. and it goes with my nature. i always want the limelight, but when i'm actually in it, i'm incredibly uncomfortable. i want to be the center of attention, but i hate it when i am. it's the overly self-critical part of me.

i know i had some way to relate this back to the few bands i've been in, and other stuff, but daddy's a little drunk.

back to felipe. we saw each other on the patio. i know we noticed each other. but nothing came of it. so after my last drink, i thought, ok, now i can make a quick getaway.

no such luck. he caught me right as i was walking out the front door, and, i don't know. i often wonder to myself, what the hell do these ridiculously goodlooking men that i somehow befriend think of me? i mean, really? they all know that i have or have had crushes on them. i mean, because these guys aren't just lookers, they're smart, too. i mean, felipe had to have noticed that communication between us pretty much came to a halt after he mentioned the whole "guy i've kinda been dating" thing, right? am i too subtle? because that's something i've never ever been accused of.

anyway. felipe and i had an awkward catching up after the awkward hug he initiated. there's some art/music show that some of his work is going to be displayed at tomorrow, which he texted me about a while back, to which i almost immediately responded with a "i don't think i'll be able to make it." the truth of the matter is, i didn't want to go, because of the awkwardness in me. i've seen felipe's myspace page. i've seen his friends. and tonight, i saw them in person. i would not fit in in that crowd. and plus, the only person i would've known there would've been him. and i'm not good around new people, especially a bunch of ridiculously goodlooking men who would probably be wondering "who invited this ug-oh?" so i told him i was working. whatever. it's not like he really cares.

and i mean, really. gah. i think i need to continue drinking and watch showgirls. maybe that will lull me out of this self-loathing i'm in right now. double gah.

*"You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout Cookie." --heather chandler