blerg

been too much going on right now.

this may be a little emo, so pass on, gentle readers.

i feel like my life has been falling apart.

work, well, it's been overwhelming to say the least. work keeps on coming in, and we keep not hiring people. and i keep finding myself feeling, well, like i'm a newspaper copy editor again, and not in a good way.

(because in the ad world, project management, interactive design/production, interactive design/production, proofreading, editing, and writing are all different positions and not lumped into one [like a newspaper copy editor, although lately], i've been doing everything mentioned. and i do it not because i'm a martyr, i do it because i want work to be fucking done, but it never seems like it is.)

anyway. it's been a little much. and especially this week, when this stupid bitch i work with went to hr (whom i've been working very closely with these past few months) to say that basically she wants to be doing what i should be doing but i don't have time for (i.e., long term project planning/concepting). which pissed me off, because i've been trying to do that, but not had the time for it, but because she's "bored" and wants to do it, well, she did come out of a golden vagina.

then there's my personal life. which is pretty null/invalid right now.

i have no social life. and for the past couple of months, it's felt like i've been going through two breakups. the first being that my very closest friend at the moment had to move out of austin. which really devastated me. she was my closest confidante. if i had a bad day at work, i could almost always count on her to go out and drink with me and let me vent. and we had our usual routine, which went to shit of late. and i hate change.

but it's left me in a bad situation. because i depended so much on her. she was my rock. now, i have no rock. sure, we can talk on the phone and e-mail, but it's not the same. and i'm all torn up inside. it's like i've been amputated. i don't know what to do.

then there's my other "breakup". i just don't know what to do. i just. we keep trying to be friends. but it's not working. we're never going to be what we want the other to be. i love this guy. i truly do. but he doesn't respect these feelings. he'll say shit like "we could be great if you'd get over this silly stuff." or something to that effect.

but i can't. i feel how i feel, and the fact that he seemingly does not respect these feelings hurts.

which is sad, because i feel like we could have something golden. but we get so distracted with everything else, that it falls through. we'll never be what we could be. which is a shame. or not. i just don't know how to deal with him anymore. it's too much. i'm tired of fighting. and we fight over the stupidest things.

but we keep fighting. and we keep coming back to each other. i just don't know if i can do it anymore. i just really can't and stay sane. not that i'm all that sane to begin with. but he and i, i just don't fucking know. i'm so tired of fighting, but when we're not fighting, it's like he's in this world of denial about he and i. i just. i think i need to be done. which is hard, since we work together.

i really have no idea where i am. i'm not happy. at any point. i just have no idea where to go from here. to anywhere. i feel so completely lost. like i'm in some dense fog, and the only refuge is some dark, dingy motel, but that motel will only bring bad to my life.

i have no idea where i am. and i have no one talk to about it.

and i'm scared.