misgivings

So I've been a bit over-introspective lately and have been realizing many things about myself, and admitting that I've been wrong about certain things in my life. Anyone that knows me well knows how hard it is for me to admit that I'm wrong (because I'm usually pretty adamant that I'm right all of the time--I blame my extreme stubbornness), but when I know I'm wrong, I let everyone know how wrong I was. So here goes.

*I'm not a good leader: This is something that I've been mulling over in my head for a while. It's just simple. I'm not a good leader. I've been in leadership/supervisor roles at most of the places I've worked, but I obviously have never been a very good one. Let's go back to high school when I was features editor then editor-in-cheif of the school paper. The only reason I got those titles was because I had been there the longest and knew what I was doing. When it came to handling the staff, no one ever really listened to me. I'm not forceful. If anyone ever did anything I said, it's usually because I yelled at them. When I was editor-in-cheif at the school paper at UT-Brownsville, it's because I was the only person that applied for the job. I didn't stick up for myself at the job. Again, no one listened to me or took me seriously, mostly because no one thought to come to me because the adviser made it obvious to not go to me. I didn't stick up for myself or my beliefs. When I was at the Valley Morning Star, I was the acting news editor because I was the copy editor that had been there the longest. It was, again, by default, not because of how good I was. When they "promoted" me to assistant news editor, well, it's a bullshit title. And I only got it because I had seniority. When I came up to SWT, all the positions I held were as default, not because I'm good. I got design editor because no one else wanted it, and, well, I knew Quark and how to copy edit. I got magazine editor (and when I killed it, entertainment editor) because I wasn't good enough for EIC. When I went out for EIC again, I got managing editor, which lead to many problems in the staff, with most not wanting to take any orders from me and resulted in my stepping down from my position. After that I was the acting copy desk chief for a semester because no one wanted it. Over the years, I've tried to convince myself that I'm a good leader, but I'm not. When I'm in a leadership position, a very arrogant part of my takes over, which isn't good for staff morale. In fact, I think I've caused more grief and problems from being in leadership positions than I would have if I had never been in those positions. I'd elaborate more, but I don't think there's more to say than that I was wrong.

*I'm not good at expressing myself verbally: This is also very true. I always thought of myself as a good speaker, a good conversator, but I'm not. If I'm not being laconic, then I'm rambling. Neither express thoughts very well and often turn people away from me. My laconicality often leads people to think I'm either rude or snobbish. Or not interested in them or overly, zealously interested in them. I'm really just a loner that hates being alone all the time, which I guess makes me human. But my nature doesn't make me attractive to friendship or relationships. I have myself to blame for being me.

*I'm not a good writer: I'm really not. I may have been when I was in high school, but I can't really say that I was because only teachers ever told me so. I think my writing, both professionally and otherwise, is mediocre at best. And I'm not selling myself short. I've won only one award for my writing. My writing has never gotten me anywhere. I just need to admit I'm not good at it and get off that horse.

*I'm not a good editor: This goes back to my not being a good leader. I'm only good in comparison to who I'm working with at the time. It's very true. Every job I've had, I've had more experience than the other editors, hence them thinking I'm better than them. And I'm not. If anything, my job search has proven such. I'm only as good as the people I'm working with have little or no experience. I'm glad to say I've helped editors become better than me. Because, again, this is something I'm only mediocre at best.

*I'm not all that great of a person: I'm really not. I know I say that I'm not, but I always internally thought I was, and it's only been recently that I'm starting to retcon. I'm really hard to get along with, which leads to my very few friends, which I'm still frankly surprised have stuck with me as long as they have. I'm moody. I'm bitchy. I'm laconic. I can never make a good decision. I don't return phone calls from friends until maybe weeks or months later. I don't like being around my family. I generally don't like the people that my friends date, except for the few exceptions. I generally don't like my friends' friends. I don't let people know how I feel about things. I'm really unlikable, in the overall perspective. I really just bring nothing to the table.

Now I know some might disagree with what I've just posted, but the fact that I've put this out there makes me feel better. To admit to your shortcomings is something that generally makes people grow. I feel like I've been in this rut of a fantasyland in my head where I think I'm the greatest at everything I do, and I'm not. I admit my shortcomings may sound drastic and the rantings of someone who is depressed, but they're not. They're the thoughts of just an everyday, mediocre guy that's just occasionally gotten lucky along the way. I'm not perfect. I'm not great. I just have to live up to it now and grow from there.