I'd be the worst interviewer ever

I don't know why I've been thinking about this lately (possibly because it amuses me so), but I've been thinking about the questions I would ask "celebrities" if I ever had the chance to interview them (hopefully an interview for broadcast). So I thought I'd share some of my hypothetical interviews.

First off, there would be Dame Edna (aka Barry Humphries). Nothing real big I'd really ask him. Well, nothing really related to Dame Edna. I would, however, badger shim with questions about when he played Bert Schnick in the Rocky Horror sequal, Shock Treatment, which is one of my all-time favourite movies. I'd also ask him how it was working with Jessica Harper post-Susperia.

Speaking of Jessica Harper, I'd ask her if anyone ever called her "not-Susan Sarandon" on the set of Shock Treatment. And if she tried to catch pneumonia like Susan did while filming Rocky Horror. And if she ever made out with Nell Campbell. Or Patricia Quinn. Or Ruby Wax. And did Ruby Wax ever invite you to be on any of her always-canceled shows. And is Richard O'Brien hung or what? And really? You did a guest spot on Crossing Jordan? Why?

For Betty White, I assume the interview would go something like this:
Me: Tell me a Saint Olaf story.
Betty White: No.
Me: Please!
BW: No!
Me: Please! Please! Please!
BW: All right, if it'll get you to shut up.
(BW tells Saint Olaf story that I'll remember from some random episode of Golden Girls)
Me: Yay! Now yell some curse words at me!
BW: What?
Me: You heard me! Curse at me like a British sailor!
(BW angrily yells obscenities at me)
Me: Sweet.
(I collapse, with a smile on my face)

Now, if I interviewed Emma Caulfield, it would probably go as follows (this would also involve me getting over my fear of bunnies; yes, I have a fear of bunnies; it goes with having read Bunnicula at a young age and then getting bitten by a rabbit; yes, I got bit by a rabbit; wanna make a deal about it or read my hypothetical interview? that's what I thought):
Me: (petting rabbit in lap) So, Emma, what was it like playing a bitch on General Hospital?
Emma Caulfield: That was so long ago; why would you even ask me about that?
Me: So what was it like acting with Sarah Brown on General Hospital? Did you do any "method acting" when it came to your sex scenes with Tony Jones? Did you suspect Lucas was gay back then?
EC: How do you remember all this?
Me: Do you feel jipped that your character was the only nurse on the show that worked at Mercy Hospital and didn't work at General Hospital?
EC: Can we talk about something besides General Hospital?
Me: OK. (puts sword on lap, continues petting bunny) Tell me about the time you guest starred on Saved by the Bell: The New Class as a nurse? And why didn't you play a nurse on 90210?
EC: You're crazy, you know that?
Me: (now standing next to EC, holding bunny over her head) How about that horrible ABC Family movie you made post-Buffy?
EC: This interview is over! (knocks bunny out of my hands)

So there's a taste of my insanity. Do with it what you will.