the origin of ripa scissorhands

i'd almost forgotten about ripa scissorhands until leanne prodded my memory. "who is ripa scissorhands?" you may be asking yourselves. let me tell you a bit about ripa scissorhands.

the story starts, i suppose, with kelly ripa going from playing adam chandler's alcoholic daughter on all my children to co-hosting regis and kelly. she proved to be spazy enough on regis and kelly to inspire an ongoing skit on saturday night live, with amy poehler playing kelly. amy's impersonation largely dealt with saying "i don't know who that is, rege" and popping out multiple children, much like the real kelly ripa.

so several years back, i decided that i wanted to be amy poehler as kelly ripa for halloween. i would go around hugging people and cheerily saying "i don't know who that is" and then minutes later return with a plastic baby and give it to the person i had hugged, implying that it was their's and they had impregnated me from the hug because i'm kelly ripa, and i'm that fertile.

of course, this never happened because i got lazy and didn't want to figure out how to lug around a large assortment of plastic babies.

maybe a year or two later, leanne (and correct me if i'm wrong about this) was going to throw a theme costume party where everyone was supposed to dress up like a johnny depp character. it was then that i came up with ripa scissorhands. leanne said it had to be an actual character johnny had played, so i came up with a movie plot.

picture it: sicily, 1931. oh, wait, that's the golden girls. picture this: new york city, 2004-ish. kelly ripa is secretly assassinated when it's found out she was a CIA operative. in order to keep their secrets covered up and not let any of ripa's other enemies know she's dead (because that would cause chaos), the government decides to fill her shoes with another operative while they figure out exactly who shot kelly ripa.

the replacement operative: edward scissorhands. with the help of dianne wiest, edward dons a horribly perky yet mangled dress and bleaches his hair. he fills in for kelly on the show and with her family. it leads to awkwardness with mark consuelos in bed; he begins to be suspicious when he realizes his wife has gotten less manic. and laughs ensue when edward says (in a monotone) "i don't know who that is, rege."

i didn't really expand on the plot further than that. let's just say kelly ripa's assassin was a time traveling robert todd lincoln and be done with it.

ok, so you really had to be there to actually find it funny. but there it is. i'll make this movie one day. maybe when johnny depp is having hip problems. tada?