trepidation, chicanery, dating

dating's been a topic of conversation for the past couple of days, prompted by finding out that there's a dating for dummies book at work. (in case anyone wants to read it. does someone at work think we're all romantically inept?)

after thinking about it for awhile, i've decided that i'm a good date. (for the most part; there was that one date darien and i went out on where i freaked out about the insane parking situation and decided we needed to eat somewhere else and he later admitted it made him uncomfortable and if i had been him, i would've probably insisted on being taken home and not returned my calls, but that's how i roll.) when on a date, i prefer to sit across from my suitor/suitee (to maximize flirtation and eye contact). i know how much is TMI (especially on the first date). and i try my best to be as chivalrous as i can be. and know when to turn down the personal neuroses and turn up the charm (what little i have of it). it's just the guys i date that tend to be subpar. sure, there've been a few that have made it past the third date mark, but no one's gotten past six months. (so maybe part of that is my fault, too, but we're talking about going on on actual dates, not having a boyfriend.)

when it comes to blind dates, well, that's a different story. blind dates are evil. i've been on too many. some of the more memorable are:

• non-smoking guy — a friend set me up with a staunch non-smoker. we met at applebee's (of all places), i was at the bar smoking and drinking, he shows up, confirms my identity, then says "i can't date a smoker" and promptly leaves. i continued to drink and questioned my friendship with the setter-upper.
• "reader" guy — a friend set me up with a guy and described him as a "reader". this excited me a little, so we had a bookstore date (which i'm probably the only person who's ever had one of those). i was ready to walk around and talk about gore vidal and david sedaris and douglas adams and nick flynn. little did i know that what my date read was gossip rags. we had nothing to talk about. (well, we did because i read sites like gawker and defamer, but i wanted to talk about books.) i again questioned my friendship with the setter-upper.
• gay club guy — do i really need to say more? he was into nothing but trancey, dancey crap you'd hear only at a gay bar and hated punk rock and classical (or anything that remotely sounded like music) and insulted my hair. this pretty much sealed the coffin on my friendship with the setter-upper.

one of my co-workers has this very girly book at her desk called the girl code that one of her friends gave her. we were reading from it last week during one of the usual inactivity breaks (usually around 4 p.m.), and i borrowed it today to read from it a bit. (normally i avoid this kind of chick lit, but for some reason i'm finding the asinine "advice" a bit too funny.) i hate to do another bulleted list so soon, but live with it. there were several humourous items under the dating side effects chapter:

• the eddie money effect — this is what they call the way your body quivers when the guy you like looks at you for a long instant or he lightly touches you, etc.; more commonly known as the butterflies (at least to me). but they add on that after the quiver, you dig up an '80s song you like to associate with the guy and moment. which i totally do. i used to do it a lot with belinda carlisle songs (don't say a word; i know you're thinking them, dear readers), but the other day, hot gig's hand lightly brushed against mine while he was at my cube, and i started hearing "never" by heart.
• ceiling fright — when you wake up in a bed to a ceiling that doesn't really look familiar, you look over at the vaguely familiar guy next to you, look back at the ceiling, back at the guy, and start to freak out a little. proof you shouldn't be a filthy, drunken whore.
• war wounds — pretty self-explantory, really, but for a really girly book, they bring up rope burns.

today there was also talk of inappropriate PDA. after hearing a couple of stories about people in their 50s making out, i brought up the time i was seeing pansy division at emo's and there were these two guys making out and dry-humping on the dance floor (and then laying on the dance floor and continuing their antics) and you could clearly tell they were aroused and one of them was rather well endowed. the band even stopped the show to admire then a couple of times. needless to say, my story trumped the other PDA stories.

and that concludes writing about dating for tonight, and hopefully for a while. thinking about dating is depressing. i'd rather be thinking about drinking. gah.