stop. the. puns.

on friday, i finished up this last-minute, two-week freelance assignment for this small company that puts this website into book form. it took a little adjusting to at first, since when i got the assignment, i hadn't worked for two and half men months. it was also a little frustrating because it was a proofreading assignment, and a lot of the profiles were really horribly written. i mean, there were holes. very. deep. holes. and i actually broke a pencil because the website's style doesn't put commas after introductory clauses.

also, whoever wrote these profiles must have used his thesaurus. in one profile, they used the word tuppence. they could've just used twopence, but noooooooo.

there were some interesting/funny things i did learn from my assignment. like that the worst. last. name. ever. is grewcock. GREWCOCK! while it sounds like an awesome last name at first, it's grewcock people! GREWCOCK!!! also, the chairman of this company is named gay love. i really hope he doesn't have a sister named summer. also, there was another executive named eric musselman. i imagined him being this little, 90-pound weakling.

the best thing ever: there's a company named BJ Services! the first thing listed in the sidebar on their website is pumping services!

other interesting things i found out:

• there's a drug that was designed to treat prostate cancer, but it can also be used to treat endometriosis and central precocious puberty.
• precocious puberty is fun to say.
• there was a company with a VP for gastrointestinal marketing. what does that entail? maybe i don't want to know.
• the profile for vivid entertainment was the cleanest thing i'd ever read. which seems a bit ironic.
• i had to go to the vivid website to confirm that Debbie Does Dallas...Again did in fact use an ellipsis.

now, before i get to the really horrendous puny/play on words, i have to mention that, well, considering all the horrendous puns and plays on words, i was really disappointed that:

1. the white castle profile did NOT mention Harold and Kumar. it seemed like a good thing to mention, especially since the profile mentioned that the company doesn't advertise.
2. the W.L. Gore & Associates profile did NOT mention George Costanza and his GORE-TEX coat.
3. the YMCA profile didn't even attempt to quote the Village People song.

now, for the aforementioned puns and plays on words. they were all mostly in the lede. they were amusing, at first, but after the 10th one, i really just wanted to gouge my eyes out with my recently sharpened red-lead pencils. here are some the standouts for horribleness:

• Goss International always has some pressing news. (Goss makes printing presses for newspapers.)
• Paper is as good as gold for Gould Paper...
• Grande Communications' grand vision...
• There's no gray area when it comes to describing Graybar Electric's main business...
• Everyone knows Oprah Winfrey is an exceptional businesswoman; there's no need to Harpo on it.
• ...The Ford Foundation can aford to be generous...
• Forsythe Technology believes it has the foresight...
• Trying to catalog all the things this superstore carries could fry your brain (from the Fry's profile)
• Family-owned Gilbane has been the bane of its rivals for four generations.
• If something wicker this way comes, Hobby Lobby Stores may be the source.

and after all that, I did find one redeeming line. namely, the last line from the it's just lunch profile: "Catering to young professional women, the men who use the services often feel that they get the shaft in terms of personalized service (and not in the good way)."

yeah. so is it any wonder that i got shit-faced every day this weekend?