trapped, or "mother, may i sleep wtih danger?"

recent events have made me feel agoraphobic about my neighborhood. understand that i love my neighborhood. i love being able to walk to central market or i heart video or vulcan or conan's or toy joy or pretty much anywhere in my neighborhood that i like.

but...

in the past month, i've ran into jennifer two or three times, and reacted the same way every time (i.e., getting depressed and drinking about it). now, normally, this type of run in wouldn't bother me, because it was just her and it didn't happen with great frequency. in fact, i think before this month i hadn't run into her since march, i think.

then there's the other factors. there's the incident from this past saturday. this couple lives four blocks away from me. four. blocks. i pass by that complex anytime i walk down guadalupe. and now i can't look at the place without thinking about what transpired there. and now i get nervous about running into them, well, anywhere in the 'hood. i especially fear running into the guy, because he seems like the overly apologetic type that he'd come up to me and apologize and somehow blurt out other times he'd been sexual with my former fwb. i don't want to run into these people. ever. i want to pretend like they didn't exist, much like they didn't prior to this past saturday. but now i can't.

(update, 4:36 p.m.: i forgot to mention that my former fwb also takes his cat to the vet clinic right next to my apartment complex. right. next. to. it. and his cat just got a tumor removed from one of his legs and has to go in every other week or something like that to get the bandages changed out and such. the clinic is right next to me, people! i can't walk down the alley without seeing one of the clinic employees out there smoking. i even smoked with one of them one time. she's probably had to handle my former fwb's cat!)

then i found out that a very good friend of mine and her long-time boyfriend broke up. he lives in my neighborhood. i used to run into them at h-e-b all the time. now, i'm afraid that i'll run into him on his own, and that freaks me out. i don't want to run into him. it would be awkward, especially since we never really spoke that much with each other. and also i'm afraid i'll want to get into a fight with him.

see. trapped.

it almost makes me want to buy a wig (partially because everyone looks good in a sheinhardt) and try to be incognito whenever i leave my apartment. i know i just have to get over my irrational fears. because they really are irrational. i wish i could be one of those people that doesn't hold grudges, and that those grudges didn't make me want to strap myself to my couch, drink beer, and cry. but all this really makes me want to do is move to another neighborhood.

gah.