grrrr

so, a couple of days ago, i got this e-mail from recruitment people at the local office of a federal agency. when i first saw it (it went into my junk mail, probably because the subject line starts with two groups of bracketed numbers), i thought, egads, i had forgotten all about applying for a seasonal data transcriber job there, mostly because the online application was sooooo long and tedious that i needed to down half a beer when i wasn't even half through with the damn thing.

after my flashback, i read the subject line, which involved the phrase "fingerprint/processing session". um, my reaction to that was "are they arresting me? are they sending me to a concentration camp? am i going to become soylent green?"

after i got past the longest subject line ever (seriously, the subject line could've been it's own e-mail), i finally got to the body of the e-mail, which said i've been scheduled to go to such session this coming thursday at 5:30, it may take from 3 to 4 hours (that's what she said), "timeliness is very important", and "this session is not a job offer". then there's a bunch of links to a bunch of forms that i have to print and fill out, although they are mailing me the forms, and that if the forms are incomplete when i report for "processing" that i will be rescheduled.

confusion much?

yeah, the forms don't make a whole lot of sense, either. there's the standard w-4, but the second form, a statement of prior federal service, well, uh, since i don't have any prior federal service, am i supposed to fill that out? the employee address form asks for tour of duty (basically, what shift you're working). but ... i'm not an employee. this isn't a job offer. it also asks employee status with checkboxes for on rolls, furloughed (just say laid off) and separated. but ... i'm not an employee! this isn't a job offer! how am i supposed to be processed when there's no way i can honestly fill out this form?!?!

oh, then there's the ethnicity and race identification form, which essentially says that all information on this form is voluntary, but if you don't fill it out, they'll just have someone of authority fill it out by proxy, including your social security number. my problem with these forms is ... the race thing always throws me off. i mean, yeah, on my birth certificate it says "white", but it's hard to not be "a person having origins in any of the original peoples of Europe, the Middle East, or North Africa". bah.

oh, then there's another prior (federal) government service form. wtf?

the direct deposit form (besides being jankily made into a PDF, what with "SECTION" appearing on the PDF as "SECTIO N". oh, and it requires that you get your information verified by your bank. but ... i'm not an employee. this isn't a job offer.

then, there's the "questionnaire for non-sensitive positions", which is essentially a background search that you get to fill out yourself! yay! the part i especially love is the "where have you lived" section, where you have to fill out where you've lived for the past five years, PLUS for the last three years, listing people who knew me at that address, who still live in the area, and aren't your spouse, former spouse or relative. so ... does my landlord count?

the "your employment activities" section is just confusing. they want you to list everything you've done for the past five years with no breaks, including when you've been unemployed. so does that mean that my first entry, under "employer/verifier name" should be "none"?

instead of references, there's "people who know you well", who should be "good friends, peers, colleagues, college roommates, etc.", but etc. can't be your spouse or former spouse or anyone you've already listed!

then we get to the "illegal drugs" portion, which contains this wonderful note: "Neither your truthful response nor information derived from your response will be used as evidence against you in any subsequent criminal proceeding." um, should that make me nervous? and, also, no way in hell would i ever answer this section truthfully.

there's other forms, like the consent to being fingerprinted, but i won't go into them.

you know, i really need a job. and i haven't even heard back from the convenience store or texadelphia, but, well, this IRS job just doesn't really seem like worth the hassle. or, you know, the blatant lies i'd have to say are the truth when it comes to, ahem, illegal activities. and, also, this job would only be for like two months. two months!

i don't know. i have until thursday to change my mind about this, but i guess a beggar can be a chooser, because i'm choosing to not go through with this.

oy.