the one where i'm stupidly depressed

so on the saturday before halloween, i went to a couple of parties. both with smoking friend and hot gig. the first was thrown by my supervisor, and that was fun, in a sense. then i feel like i essentially dragged them to the party a proofing friend was throwing.

anyway. at that party, i ran into someone. this girl. jennifer. (i know i've written about her more than once before, but i can't get myself to search anymore.) i ran into her the first few minutes i was there. and it shaped the rest of my time there. i was in a good mood, an actual good mood, until i ran into her. because, well, it just brought back all my inadequacies.

i mean, i already felt inadequate because i was with hot gig and smoking friend and i have a crush on the the former and i think the latter is really cool and i really want to be a good friend and all, but jennifer, that's where i feel i went wrong.

jen and i became fast friends when we were both proofers. it was almost insane how close we became over such a short period of time that we essentially became (or at least seemed) inseparable to our co-workers. the fact that we formed this close connection so quickly and it got fucked up so quickly screwed with my sense of self and, well, it just fucked with me. period.

and the shitty thing is, i finally felt like i had gotten to a place where i was all right. i was over her. i was over darien. i had seemingly moved on and was ready to try and form some new friendships.

and yet here i am, depressed and writing about it.

she said she was sorry. sorry for how she treated me. i know she said some other things she was sorry about, but i didn't hear them. i was in shock.

and then i forgave her.

i was drunk, and i forgave her. because i really do still care for her, i suppose.

but i feel stupid about it.

the whole experience lasted about two minutes. and i said we should trade numbers, but we didn't get the chance, and i told her to look me up on myspace, but that hasn't happened.

so maybe that's it. maybe i should just give up.

i guess that i hate that all this time later, i still let this get to me. that i'm still here, depressed, crying, and typing about this shit when maybe what jen and i had was just all in my head. maybe i just imagined that we got along that well.

i shouldn't even be thinking about this. i have a long day ahead of me tomorrow at work. and is that all my life has become now? work?

i guess running into jen has just pretty much shown me how much of a failure i've been so far as a human and as a friend. and maybe i shouldn't try. i know i'm really, really bad at being a friend. it's probably the best thing i'm the worst at.

so maybe, giving up. that's good, right?