zen and the art of not giving a fuck

bob kelso: yesterday, i had to stay late at work because one of the other drivers had a flat. i didn't really mind. although secretly, i kinda did, because i had just made two deliveries: one off enfield, and the other off manor. the two deliveries i had to stay late for were already kinda old when i picked them up. and both were pickups downtown. at close to 6 p.m. yeah ... it took me about 20 minutes to finally find somewhere to park. the first of those two deliveries went fine. but the second. i went up to the guys room, and there was a sign on the door saying that we took too long, that he waiting two hours and had to leave to take a test. boo hoo. poor little boy ordering overpriced delivery living in a fancy schmancy downtown condo that probably costs twice as much as my place but it doesn't matter because mommy and daddy are paying for it. who has two thumbs and doesn't give a fuck? bob kel ... er, um, me. how you doing?

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random: sample conversation from monday night.

leanne: do you know about the blues?
me: i know about blueballs. and cyan. i know all about cyan. and babe, the blue ox. and cerulean.

i wasn't even buzzed yet.

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i kill music: monday night out was a little on the lame side. when leanne and i got to beerland, there were about two other people there. at close to 9:30. and it was dead fucking quite. i mean, usually, before karaoke starts, they have some music playing. but no. nothing. it weirded us out a bit. so we had a beer and headed to sidebar, which was morely populated and there was music playing. until we got our beers and sat down. wtf, indeed. sad, sad night. but at least leanne and i finally got to hang out.

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hot tips: i've been thinking a lot lately about the attractiveness of a server and how that relates to tips. examining my past tipping habits, i tend to tip a server well, unless they're a horrible server. even then, i'll still tip a horrible server well-ish (welsh?). but i'll tip a hot server a hell of a lot more, if only for the eye candyness of it all. and usually, in my experience, the really hot servers are a bit more flirty. so really, i'm tipping for dinner and a show.

but it makes me wonder if the hot servers acknowledge their hotness and use it to their advantage, and how their average-looking co-workers feel about that. i guess i've been thinking about this because of one restaurant we deliver food from. whenever i go there for a pickup, if one of their ridiculously hot waiters helps me out, it's a pleasant experience, because they're helpful and crack a joke or two, and i have to stop myself dragging them to the bathroom for some, um, help. but if one of the average-looking waiters helps me out, it's usually by looking at me, walking back to the kitchen, getting the food, putting it in a bag, and almost throwing it at me, without ever saying a word.

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realisation: so remember that regular delivery customer i mentioned previously that made me remember why i had a bi phase? and remember that delivery i mentioned where the couple was in their underwear on the couch watching arrested development with the door open? both girls are one and the same. i was going through my delivery slips to figure out my tips for last week, and i saw the girls name a couple of times, and noticed the two different addresses. now i can relax in knowing she doesn't have an eating disorder (and that's why she orders so much from us), but she has a boyfriend. wait. can a boyfriend count as an eating disorder?

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no substitution: i kind of dread donut orders at work. because usually, it involves going to ken's donuts, seeing they're out of something the customer ordered, then calling the customer to find out if they want to make a substitution. usually it's a simple ordeal, but sometimes ... like this order on sunday. it was to these two girls at the ut biz school. they had ordered an eclair and bearclaw. both were out. so i called and asked if they wanted to make a substitution, and before i could tell them they're options ....

stupid girl: ok, instead of the bearclaw, i want a cinnamon twist. and instead of the eclair, i want a chocolate milk.
me: um, they're out of cinnamon twists, and you can't substitute a chocolate milk for an eclair.
sg: well, can't you just add it on.
me: no, i can't. right now, i can only make equivalent substitutions for what you have already ordered. if you would like to order more, you'd have to go back to the website and do that.
sg: i don't understand why you can't just add it on.
me: i think it has something to do about the tax.
sg: so what do they have?
me: well, on the cinnamony side, they do have cinnamon rolls.
sg: ok, we'll have that instead of bearclaw. and instead of the eclair, i want a sausage kolache.
me: they're out of those as well.
sg: what the hell. ok, i guess we'll just get a second cinnamon roll then.
me: cool.

after that i hung up, went outside for a cigarette, then went back inside to buy the donuts. that's why i can't be a server. if i were a server, and i had these girls in my section, they would already have been yelled at and possibly manhandled by me, and i would've been fired.