decisions

i've been flirting with the idea of sharing my blog with my friends at work. this wasn't so much a problem the last time around, because i think alison and i were comfortable enough with each other when we decided to share our blogs with each other.

i just don't know if i'm at that point yet with some of these new people, but i want to try to be.

but obviously, not enough.

the one fellow i mentioned in a previous post that we basically texted most of the night on friday, well, i avoided him completely today. i think mostly from the fact that i kinda bared my soul to him. and not even completely, because, come on, how much soul bareing can you do via text message? i think i was just more embarassed that i'd let him even virtually see me that way. and i know that i shouldn't feel that way. he and i have had many, many semi-deep conversations at and after work, and i really do consider him a friend. so why am i treating him like shit and ignoring him?

and then there's my other kinda good friend at work. she was my (now former) co-traffic manager. we got along right off the bat. but lately, since i decided to move back to the creative department, we've been a little distant. i don't know. maybe it's all in my head. maybe we just need to talk about it. maybe she and i are too much alike that we can't mention to the other when we have a problem with them. today was especially harsh. we just weren't getting each other. and, to be honest, it's been happening for a couple of weeks now. i don't know. it makes me sad, because we seemed to have this good thing going. then other stuff happened. some professional. some personal (that i won't go into because, well, it's rather personal betwixt the two of us). i don't know. i feel like i'm losing her as a friend, and i don't know how to hold on. this isn't one of my strengths, you know.

i don't know. it almost feels like classic mando here where, one aspect of my life seems to be falling down around me, so i let it affect everything about my life until everything is falling down around me.

i won't even go into some of the sexual indescretions i've had lately.

lately, more than anything, the song "hypocrite" by lush really lends some credence.

i want to let people in my life. but i don't know how. i don't know if they'd even want to be let in. so i make the decision for them. and keep them out. and keep myself away from anyone who would even remotely care for me until i've pushed them sufficiently away.

i see all this going on, and i don't do a thing to stop it. i hate that i let this happen.

i wish, i wish i were better adjusted. i wish i could trust people more than i do. i wish i could trust myself more than i do. i wish i could let things go that don't really matter. i wish i had balls.

i wish a lot of things. but those things won't come true unless i finally stop being such a fucking pussy and man up and take control of my life.

i think i'm slowly getting there.

slowly.

slow.

ly.